Douchebag Nation

The Sox won the Series, which is fine. They're a very, very good baseball team. Not a fluke. They deserved it. Came back again. I picked 'em to win the Series when I wrote my preseason column in the paper back in March.

The whole thing was kinda cool in '04, because of how much they stuck it to the Yankees, and they ended that stupid "curse", meaning we thankfully don't have to hear about it anymore.

Now I'm kind of sick of 'em. They're the new Yankees, complete with douchebag famous fans.

Here is a list of Red Sox fans that suck.

Matt Damon (though I hear he rocks the shit in Bourne Identity)
Mark "Marky Mark and the Funky bunch" Wahlberg (Yeeeah, Can you feel it baby? I can, too)
Ben Affleck and whatever coked out girlfriend he brings with him (notice how unhot Jennifer Garner is? Wow)
Stephen King (He was reading a book in the stands during the ALCS when the camera was on him - what a fan. Plus did you see how lame he was trying to throw out the first pitch in the movie "Fever Pitch"? Unacceptable.)
Denis Leary (I actually really like Denis Leary, and he's a loyal, knowledgeable fan. But now is not the time to make friends. Fuck you, Denis. Rescue Me sucks worse than the Bruins.)
Jake Gyllenhaal (Is a Brokeback joke even necessary?)
Dane Cook (Doesn't know what a balk is. Or a triple.)
Bill Simmons (No, not a fan. Surprised? Fuck you.)
The Farrelly Brothers (Perhaps their Red Sox fandom explains their fascination and goodwill towards the mentally challenged?)
Peter Gammons (You're a journalist - quit hugging players!)
Mike O'Malley (If you don't know who he is, you're not missing anything. Imagine Dan Akroyd in Caddyshack 2 only less funny).
The Dropkick Murphys (Their recording of Tessie is very cool, except they let Bronson Arroyo sing backing vocals. Arroyo is such a douche the Sox traded him to Cincinnati specifically because of his raging douchebagginess.)
Jimmy Fallon (I bet Kevin Millar would kick his ass if he had the chance)

Beantown & Minny - An uneven sports marriage

Because it happened gradually, rather than all at once, it may have escaped many of us.
But take notice.
Boston is king of the sports world right now - Minnesota is in the toilet. And those two realities are related.
It's nauseating.
The Red Sox are headed towards their second World Series title in four years, with David Ortiz leading the way. Ortiz, you may remember, came up in the Twins system, was released, and picked up by the Sox, where he's become a 21st century Babe Ruth.
The New England Patriots are looking capable of going 16-0, and while they were already in the midst of a dynasty, they seem better than ever this year for one reason: Randy Moss.
Yeah, the same Moss who put up a Hall-of-Fame career's worth of numbers in 7 years with the Vikings.
And I realized just how bad it is on Friday when I opened my mailbox and saw Kevin Garnett on the cover, clad in Celtics green, smiling alongside Ray Allen and Paul Pierce.
Ortiz.
Moss.
Garnett.
All in Boston. All with realistic dreams of a championship. It hurts.
The Boston Bruins have three Minnesota natives on their roster, so they'll probably be in the hunt for the Stanley Cup this year.
I've never been especially hard on the Twins for dumping Ortiz, because he never stayed healthy with the Twins, and when they tried to trade him not a single team in the majors, not even Boston, would offer even a journeyman reliever for him.
I also suspect his name might pop up in the Mitchell report the whole baseball world is anxiously waiting for. But it's hard not to imagine what it might be like having him bat between Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau.

As for Moss, I never wavered in my belief that he was the best WR in the NFL, and I never thought he was nearly as much of an off-field locker room problem as the media made him out to be.
Oooh, he squirted water on a ref! So what.
Oh my God, he bumped a rent-a-cop with his car at zero MPH! Big deal.
He rubbed his butt on the goal post in Green Bay!?! Good. Fuck Green Bay and fuck Joe Buck.
Walked off the field with :2 seconds left against Washington? Shouldn't have done it, but it didn't matter at all in the end.
Who wouldn't take Moss back now? Anyone who says they wouldn't is either a racist or they don't give a damn about winning.
And you know, it would be a little easier if they hadn't lost him for nothing.
If you trade a superstar, you should get something for him. The Wolves got Al Jefferson, Gerald Green, Ryan Gomes, Theo Ratliff, Sebastian Telfair and a 1st round pick for KG.
The Vikings got Napoleon Harris and Troy Williamson for Moss. Good work guys. Then a year later they got Ryan Cook for Daunte Culpepper. I guess that means sometime in 2010 they'll trade Adrian Peterson for a backup safety.

I hope Moss and KG get a ring. I won't actively root for either the Pats or the Celtics, but I will wish them well strictly because of those two guys. A big reason I'll be able to do that is because the Vikings and Wolves are so bad they don't even enter the discussion.
Times haven't been this bad across the board in Minnesota for quite awhile. It might be a little easier to handle that if we didn't also have to see what's happening in Beantown.

There are plenty of bats available

It's no secret that the reason the Twins have failed to make the playoffs two out of the last three years was feeble offense. In hindsight it also now looks like the only reason they made the playoffs in '06 was several players going over their heads - fluke seasons.
The Twins probably should be on a three year run of missing the playoffs.

The Twins are just flat out terrible at coming up with offense. They have an excellent track record in drafting offense - Michael Cuddyer, Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau, Torii Hunter and Jason Kubel were all harvested in Terry Ryan/Bill Smith/Mike Radcliffe drafts - but they are piss poor when it comes to filling in their offensive holes with trades and free-agents.

The excuse we often hear from the Dave St. Peter's and Dick Bremer's of the world is that they can't afford offense, that their small market plight prevents them from adding the bats necessary to compete with the big bad Yankees (it's always the Yankees who are the bad guys in the small market/big market argument. Doesn't anyone else realize the Yankees haven't won a title since 2000?)

The whole premise is total bullshit. No, the Twins aren't going to be in the running for A-Rod, or Manny Ramirez, or Albert Pujols whenever they become free-agents. But the idea that quality offense is unaffordable is an outright lie.
Either that, or the Twins front-office is much more incompetent than we realize.

For a quick example, let's look at the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who had the worst record in the majors this year at 66-96.

They paid Carlos Pena $800,000 this year, or about half what the Twins paid Nick Punto.
Pena hit .282/.411/.627, with 46 homers, 121 RBI and 103 walks. Seriously.

The Rays went to Japan (try it Twins) and signed 3B Akinori Iwamura for $1.8 million, or about the same the Twins pay Nick Punto.
Iwamura hit .285/.359/.411.

The Rays started the season with Ben Zobrist as their SS, but Zobrist got hurt. So Tampa gave the SS job to journeyman Brendan Harris. Harris hit .286/.343/.434. They paid Harris $386,000 - barely above the league minimum.
Jonny Gomes, who hit 17 homers in 309 ABs, couldn't stay in the Tampa lineup. And this is the worst team in the majors.

There are other examples. Oakland acquired minor league journeyman Jack Cust from San Diego for another minor leaguer, and saw Cust hit 26 homers with 105 walks in 124 games.
Marlon Byrd hit .307/.355/.459 as a spare player on the Rangers' bench.

The point? Offense is out there. But you have to actually look for it. The Twins seem to want to wait for players to fall in their lap. What do they do, wait for the agents of shitty players like Tony Batista and Rondell White to call them up?
I swear to God if the Twins sign Darin Erstad (.248/.310/.355) to replace Torii Hunter, I'm going to become a Brewers fan.

So who should they look at? Glad you asked.
The following is a list of players who are free-agents (though a couple could still be brought back with a club option). A couple obvious names will likely be pretty expensive, but the overwhelming majority should be well within the Twins price range. It proves, in my mind, that there is no excuse for the Twins to trot out a lineup next year with three or four dead spots in it.

Outfielders Kenny Lofton
Yeah, he's going to be 41 by next year, but he hit .296/.367/.414 with 23 steals this season. If you're watching the playoffs, you can see that he can still play. Surely he's lost a step, but he'd be a decent stop-gap in CF, assuming Torii Hunter doesn't come back.

Moises Alou
Also soon to be 41, he hit .341/.392/524 in 87 games. He'd never repeat those numbers, but as a DH, he'd possibly be able to handle 120 games and hit in the .300 range with decent pop.

Barry Bonds
A long shot to be sure, but if Bonds showed any interest at all, his 132 walks and 26 homers make him well worth a big salary. As a DH playing half his games at the Dome, 40 homers wouldn't be out of the question at all.

Milton Bradley
Possibly not worth the headaches he can cause, and now he's coming off an ACL injury, but he can hit and is a good OF. Batted .306/.402/.545 in 209 ABs this year.

Mike Cameron
Another good candidate to replace Hunter. He's 34, but I still think I'd rather have Lofton. Regardless, Cameron's .242/.328/.431 line, to go with 21 homers, would be a pretty good replacement for Torii. OK, I'd rather have Cameron. He's better defensively.

Jose Guillen
Hit .290/.353/.460, with 23 homers and 99 RBI. Be a great DH.

Cliff Floyd
.284/.373/.422. Another great DH option.
Darin Erstad
No. He sucks. Bad.

Andruw Jones
.222/.311/.413. Not much of a contract year. But he's a Scott Boras client, so he's probably not going to be any cheaper.

Brady Clark
.262/.352/.346
Just a bench guy, but part of the Twins' problem is how they blow off their bench. It might help to have something better than Lew Ford and Luis Rodriguez on the bench. Apparently Bill Smith agrees, since he ditched both of those two.

Marlon Anderson
Another bench guy. Hit .319 with 3 homers in 69 at-bats.

Shannon Stewart
Hey, he played 146 games for Oakland, and hit .290/.345/.394. But I doubt Ron Gardenhire could resist the temptation to play him every day in LF.

Matt Stairs (pictured)
.289/.368/.549 with 21 homers as a part-time player. Always crushes in the Dome.

Sammy Sosa
I know, I hate him, too. But he hit .252/.311/.468, 21 homers and 92 RBI. Not a bad DH.

Corey Patterson
Another option to replace Torii Hunter. Hit .269/.304/386 - not very good, but he did steal 37 bases, and he's excellent with the glove.

Aaron Rowand
The best free-agent CF available. Yes, better than Hunter in my opinion.
Hopefully the rest of the teams looking for a CF will throw all their money at Hunter and Jones, leaving the Twins to sign Rowand. He hit .308/.374/.515 with 27 HR, and was Gold Glove caliber.

Infielders Aaron Boone
Could do better, could do way worse (see Punto, Nick). In 189 ABs, hit .286/.388/.423. Very good defensively. Unlike brother Brett, presumably not on steroids. Could play 3B, 2B or 1B.

Mark Loretta
Very Cirillo-like, but probably more durable, hit .287/.352/.372 for Houston. Can play 3B, 2B or 1B.

Tony Clark
A DH option who could give Morneau a day off or two, Clark has rejuvenated his career in Arizona. Hit .249/.310/.511 this year, with 17 HR in 221 ABs.

Scott Hatteberg (pictured, top)
Another 1B/DH guy, Hatteberg doesn't have a ton of power, but is an on-base machine. Hit .310/.384/.474 for Cincinnati.

Eric Hinske
Hit just .205 for Boston this year, but barely played. Could be worth a shot as a bench bat/3B/1B/DH.

Tadahito Iguchi
If the Twins aren't committed to either Punto or Alexi Casilla at 2B, Iguchi (.267/.347/400) would be a good option.

Corey Koskie
Might never play again. He missed all of '07 dealing with post-concussion syndrome. But if he can come back, he'd be cheap. We know what he can do.

Mike Lamb
Another example of how inexcusable it is that the Twins never have offense. This guy is a total nobody, but hit .289/.366/.453 in Houston, where he couldn't even crack the everyday lineup. Can play 3B/2B/1B.

Mike Sweeney
Has already expressed an interest in signing with the Twins, but I've gotta say I'm not interested. He's washed up. He can't stay healthy at all. And this year he wasn't even that good when he did play (.260/.315/.404).

Mike Lowell
The Twins could've had him fairly cheap two years ago, but they (surprise!) wouldn't take a risk as he was coming off a terrible '05 season. This year he batted .324 with 120 RBI for the Red Sox, so he's probably not affordable any more. Way to go, guys.

Mike Piazza
Could DH. Could he stay healthy? I think so, he's not that old. Hit .275/.313/.414 with 8 homers in 309 ABs.

Kazuo Matsui
He's the kind of spark-plug, top of the order 2B that Gardy likes to pretend Punto is. Hit .288/.342/.405 with 32 steals in 36 attempts.

Doug Mientkiewicz
I've advocated the Twins turning Dougie into a utility player before. Not a lot of people know it, but he's played 2B, 3B and OF admirably in the minors before. The Twins even used him in RF for a few games in '03 when they had some injuries.
He hit .277/.349/.440 for the Yankees this year. Again, not every guy you sign has to be a starter. The bench is important, too.

I think it's obvious that there are bats out there. And these are just free-agents, this doesn't even account for guys who could be had in a trade.
If the Twins sign Darin Erstad and Willie Bloomquist and call it good, then tell you it was because they couldn't afford anything better, you will know from having read this that they are either liars or total idiots.

The Hitters

Yeah, I'm finally getting around to some season wrap-up stuff. It was too depressing at first. Now I may be ready.
I'll start in earnest today by taking a brief look back at the hitters - what they did this year and what to expect next year.

Joe Mauer
Probably still the best all-around catcher in the game. Defensively he's as good as it gets, which is why the Twins are (correctly) resisting the urge to move him to 3B as long as possible.

I'm not ready to suggest he's brittle or injury-prone, but he needs to get to the plate 500 times a season.
My guess is that this 2007 will be the worst year he has for at least 10 years (and it was still pretty good), but if he never does develop into a power hitter the Twins should move him out of the 3-hole and into one of the top two spots in the order.

Mike Redmond
Probably the best backup catcher in the game. He's actually quite similar to Jason Tyner offensively, in that they both hit for a pretty good average, albeit with marginal to bad OBP and SLG%, and they both seem to come up with big hits in tough spots (seem being the key word).

Justin Morneau
Should we worry about his poor second half? The guy was on pace to hit almost 50 homers, and he ended up with 31. Jason Bartlett had a higher SLG in August and September than Morneau did.

The biggest reason for concern is that lefties seem to have figured him out. He'll need to make an adjustment to counter that, or he'll be a .270-30 guy instead of a .300-40 guy.

Defensively he's become quite good, probably as good as any 1B in the league.

Nick Punto
We've been through this. He sucks as an everyday player, he's decent as a utility guy. End of story.

Jason Bartlett
Made a few too many errors on routine plays, but overall he makes more plays than the average shortstop. Didn't hit much in April or September, but was pretty good in between. He'll be the leadoff guy next year, which I'm not convinced is the best place for him (depends on who the CF is probably. Kenny Lofton anyone?).

Needs to be at least a .280/.340 guy, if not .300/.360.

Alexi Casilla
Looked almost ready in April, when he was called up due to injuries. Then after spending most of the year playing every day in Triple-A, was somehow worse when he got called back up. He was so bad that he could lose the 2B job to Nick Punto next spring, and I might actually even support it.

Brian Buscher
Going into 2007 Buscher looked like a guy who would spend most of his career in the minors and would maybe never reach the bigs. But after a big year moving from Double-A to the majors, he's probably the best offensive prospect in the organization.

Defensively he looks pretty bad, but so did Corey Koskie when he first came up. 3B is a position where you can make yourself better without a lot of athleticism.

Buscher doesn't look ready to be an everyday 3B in the majors yet, but he does look like he could be a useful bat for the Twins. He should make the team and provide some offensive depth, with a chance to gradually increase his playing time.

Torii Hunter
The last two years have been two of the best of his career, and after a terrible 2006 season in the field (that nonetheless garnered him another Gold Glove), he was pretty close to his old self in CF this year.

I still think there's an outside chance the Twins resign him, but at this point I'm talking like 20%.
Whether or not the Twins could survive the loss of a guy who hit .287 with 28 homers, 44 doubles, 18 steals and 107 RBIs depends largely on whether or not the rest of the lineup improves. In other words, if Jason Kubel and Michael Cuddyer can each hit in the .280 with 25 homers range, and if they can get a decent 3B, they could probably still be OK with Kenny Lofton or whoever in CF.

Jason Kubel
Much like Michael Cuddyer, he keeps pushing that breakthrough season back a year. I thought for sure it would be in '07, and it kind of was, but far too late.

That's partly Ron Gardenhire's fault for not playing him every day.
Regardless, Kubel was the team's best hitter after the All-Star break, and should be good for at least a .275-20 homer season next year.

Michael Cuddyer
Cuddyer was a little disappointing this year, but he was still pretty good. The problem was that everyone else was so bad, or at least, not as good as in '06 - like Cuddyer.

As mentioned earlier, if Hunter leaves, the Twins need more production out of their corner OF's.
That means 25 homers, not 16.
Also, dude's got a cannon, plays the baggy very well, and takes excellent angles into the gaps.

Jason Tyner
Tyner can hit in the .280-.300 range if his playing time is limited. The more at-bats he gets, the more that average will tumble. That's why there's no way the Twins can even consider him as the starting CF if Hunter leaves. He has zero power and does not get on base very much for a slap hitter.

He is, however, a pretty decent backup OF, because he's sound defensively, runs okay, and can put the ball in play.

Garrett Jones
He's never been a particularly good hitter in the minors, let alone the majors.
But he does have power, something the Twins always lack. There's no way Jones can be a useful starter, however, his power could make him an intriguing pinch-hitter. He showed signs of being able to hang with major league pitching in the season's final weeks. Could give Morneau a day off or two at 1B.

Chris Heintz
Now that Jose Morales has made his major league debut, I don't see how Heintz ever plays another game at the ML level. He's not good enough to be even a 3rd string catcher.

Jose Morales

This was his first year as a catcher, and he hit .311, then got called up to the Twins, went 3 for 3 in his debut, and broke his ankle. He's probably ready to be the No. 3 catcher.

Matt LeCroy
It was good to see you again, Matty. Enjoy Japan. Or perhaps retirement.

Bill Smith: Smartest GM in baseball hsitory

If first impressions are any indication, maybe Bill Smith will be a good GM for the Twins. He's already made me a fan based on one move - the release of Lew Ford.
Yes, Smith risked irking grandmothers and 4th graders all over the upper midwest by unceremoniously dumping the worthless Ford this week. He also canned Josh Rabe, Tommy Watkins and Luis Rodriguez. Watkins may be back, the other three won't.

In regards to Ford, Smith said: "Lew's a good person with a good family, and he's made a lot of good contributions to our ballclub. Unfortunately, he's had a tough couple years."

Notice the lack of bullshit in that comment. Nothing about hoping he could turn it around, or what a 'gamer' he is, or how did the little things, just an honest assessment of his worth: Formerly valuable, now shitty and worthless.

It's nice to see that Smith may actually use performance to evaluate players.

What a novel idea.

There is a God

As of today, the Twins season has ended early, the Vikings are perhaps the worst team in the NFL, the T-Wolves no longer have Kevin Garnett and the Gophers are the worst team in the Big 10.
Torii Hunter and Johan Santana may have played their last games as a Twin, and I have to go finish mowing my lawn.
But none of that can put a damper on my day.

Because Isiah Thomas lost his sexual harassment case.
I don't know if anything could make me happier right now.

I could spend all day reciting reasons why I despise Isiah Thomas, but I still have to go to work this afternoon, and that lawn won't mow itself.

First of all, did you know Isiah Thomas' middle name is Lord?
What the fuck - Lord? No wonder he's such an ego maniacal bastard, his mom convinced him he's a deity.
While his common nickname as a player was Zeke (is that another biblical reference? I don't know but he still sucks), his bio also lists "the baby-faced assassin" as a nickname.

Gay.

The main reason I hate the baby-faced assassin is his career-long penchant for jealousy of players and people better and more successful than him.
In 1985, the baby-faced assassin orchestrated a "freezeout" of rookie Michael Jordan in the All-Star game, because he was jealous of Jordan. MJ took only 9 shots in the game because no one would pass him the ball.
Years later, after Jordan's Bulls kicked the shit out of the Pistons in the Eastern Conference Finals, the Pistons walked off the court of Game 4 (it was a sweep) with 7.9 seconds left, refusing to shake hands with the Bulls.

Jordan got revenge in truly righteous fashion in 1992, when he blocked the baby-faced assassin from being selected for the "Dream Team" the first and most famous NBA Olympic team. John Stockton took his place. The baby-faced assassin complained, but because he's a pussy and a coward, vented most of his frustration toward Stockton instead of Jordan, even though Stockton had nothing to do with it.
So the next time the Jazz played the Pistons, Karl Malone elbowed the baby-faced assassin in the head, requiring 40 stitches.

Thank you, Karl Malone. You rule.

Likely the baby-faced assassin's anger towards Stockton was racially motivated. This is the same guy who once said Larry Bird, who for his career averaged 24 points, 10 rebounds and 6 assists per game while shooting 50% from the floor and 89% from the line, was overrated, and would be "just another player" if he was white.
He also reportedly said recently, in regards to Knicks' season ticket holders, "Bitch I don't give a fuck about these white people!"
While it pleases me to picture the baby-faced assassin saying such a thing, it also reminds me how much I hate him.

After he retired, the baby-faced assassin refused to go away. Jealous of the reputation players like Jordan and Magic Johnson had as businessmen, he apparently decided he could use his "winning (read: criminal) smile" and criminal justice degree (yes, he went back to school and got it) from Indiana to become a Fortune 500 tycoon or something.
He became part owner of the Toronto Raptors, but was forced out due to alleged improprieties.

Then came the CBA debacle. To make a very long story very short, the baby-faced assassin bought the whole league, and ran it straight into the ground. It would be hard for a high school sophomore to fuck up a business faster than the baby-faced assassin ruined the CBA.
Rather than try to fix it, he jumped ship to become head coach of the Indiana Pacers.

In between, he actually wrote a book about how to succeed in business.

Seriously.

The guy who took a 65-year old league and killed it in three months, wrote a book about how to be a successful businessman. I can think of a few metaphors that would apply here.

It'd be like:

Bill Janklow writing a book about safe driving.

Nick Punto writing a book about hitting for power.

Brad Childress writing a book about how to create a "kick-ass offense."

My brother writing a book about what constitutes good music.

I could go on.

But the baby-faced assassin's move to Indiana ended up working out for the better, because Bird was soon hired as the team's GM, and guess what was the first thing he did upon taking over?
You guessed it - he shit-canned the B.F.A (getting kind of tired of spelling it out, sorry).

It looked like the B.F.A. might finally be out of the picture by then, but no, the Knicks hired him as GM. He had the highest payroll in the NBA, and one of its greatest coaches in Larry Brown, and yet the Knicks were the worst team in the NBA. He gave a 5-year, $30 million contract to Jerome James, who averaged 2.9 points and 2.2 rebounds a game.

The B.F.A. fired Brown and made himself coach. One of his first acts as coach was to order his players to commit hard fouls in a game against Denver, instigating an unsightly brawl.
But the Knicks finished the year on a 20-17 run, landing the B.F.A. an extension.

So here I was, waiting for something bad to happen to the B.F.A. when - BAM - sexual harassment suit!

You've probably heard many of the sordid details, so let's just skip to the best part - the jury today sided with the accuser, Anucha Browne Sanders.

$11.6 million, baby. Maybe the CBA should join in for some sloppy seconds and see if they can get any $$ from the big bad B.F.A.

Attention New York Knicks: Fire this historic asshole.

Attention NBA: Never give this stupendous prick another job - ever.

Attention Planet Earth: Stay away from this fucker, he's the devil.

The National League is more fun this year

Other than the 8 non-Twins games I attended on my honeymoon this summer, last night's one-game playoff for the NL Wildcard was the first major league game all year I watched from beginning to end that didn't involve the Twins.
And it was worth it. 3-0 Rocks, 5-3 Dads, 6-5, 6-6, then staying that way til the 13th. Dads look ready to win after a two-run homer by Scott Hairston. Trevor Hoffman, he of the 524 career saves! comes on to close the door....and gives up a double, a double, a triple, and a lazer sac fly to blow the save. Rocks win, take the wild card.
I wanted to watch the game because one-game playoffs are awesome and rare. I had a feeling it would be a memorable game, and it was.
And Ramon Ortiz got the win. He's going to the playoffs. We're not.

What a finish in the NL. A monumental collapse for the Mets, the Rockies win 13 of 14 down the stretch to get in, the Phillies come back on the last day, the Cubs are in - this league is definitely more interesting than the AL.

I don't know how much of the playoffs I'll watch. I suppose if I'm not doing anything I'll watch, and I'll definitely be pulling for the Phillies and Rockies. But it's not like I'm going to set aside time to watch. It's tough when you thought your team was gonna be there.