Who are these frickin guys?!?

If you've been watching any of the Twins spring games so far (I've yet to miss one), you've undoubtedly seen a few names that are unfamiliar. Not uncommon, of course, for spring training.
The Twins don't have too many spots available on their big league roster, but there are several players who they're looking at to see if A) they might one day be ready, and
B) how soon that might be
Here are some names to know. Though I should point out this list is limited to prospects who are in the big league camp. There are lots of other potential studs who are still several years away.

Blue-chippers
*Denard Span - OF (pictured above right)
Think Jacque Jones with more speed and less power.
A former 1st round pick, Span began last year in A ball and hit .339 with 13 steals, prompting a call up to AA, where he hit .285 with 10 steals. It looks like the Twins are trying to decide if he's ready for AAA. He just turned 22, and if Torii Hunter ends up getting traded in the next year or two, this guy is his replacement.
*Alex Romero - OF
Once considered a marginal prospect, Romero, 22, broke through in AA last year, hitting .301 with 15 HR and 12 SB. Being that he developed so suddenly, the 6', 190 pounder possibly still hasn't tapped his full potential. He's by no means a can't miss prospect, but he has a shot to be a five-tool stud.
*Matt Garza, Glen Perkins - P
Both are 22, and both at least a year away. But they were both high draft picks and they've both impressed the coaching staff this spring. They could both be in the bigs next year. Garza is a righty, Perkins a lefty.
*Justin Jones - P
The guy from the Doug Mientkiewicz trade, Jones was 7-3, 3.01 at A ball last year. He's still only 21, and if he stays healthy could be a very good big league pitcher.

At the Ready
*Boof Bonser - P
The third guy in the AJ-Joe Nathan trade, Bonser was the AAA staff ace last year and led the league in K's. He's probably ready for the big leagues, the Twins just don't need him. He's probably a 3rd or 4th starter at best, but he could probably help the Twins out of the pen, especially if Juan Rincon's elbow doesn't get better soon.
*Dave Gassner - P
Soft tossing lefty is 27, but looked good in winning his ML debut with the Twins early last year. He's a good guy to have in AAA. Probably won't ever be a 15-game winner in the big leagues, but is always available to fill in if someone goes down.
*Darrel May, Denny Reyes - P
One of these two veteran lefties will make the team. Reyes throws hard but is wild, and he's had success against lefties as a reliever before (righties are another story.)
May is a soft-tosser and a former starter. Much like Greg Swindell a decade earlier, May's career as a starter has washed out, so he's trying to reinvent himself. Swindell rejuvenated his career making the move, and May, who has excellent control, might be able to as well.
*Willie Eyre - P
27-year old righty is a favorite to land a spot in Twins bullpen this year. He was 10-2 with a 2.71 ERA in AAA last year, so he's due for a shot. Could be the next Tony Fiore.
*Glenn Williams - 3B
This guy might be the Twins starting 3B this year if he hadn't seperated his shoulder last year. You may remember him hitting .425 after getting called-up, before the injury ended his season. That was his one big chance. Now he'll likely go back to AAA.
*Terry Tiffee - 3B/1B
Promising in '04, terrible last year. Looks like a pinch-hitter at best. I hope he doesn't make the team.
*Luis Rodriguez - IF
Spent most of last year in the bigs and I thought he was pretty good. He batted .269/.335/.383 in 175 ABs, far better than Castro and Punto. I'd love to have him beat out one of those two for a job, but since he's still young and has options, he'll probably start the year in AAA. He'll be back, though, and I think he could be a great utility player.
*Garrett Jones - 1B
If something disastrous would happen to Justin Morneau, Jones would be his likely substitute.
He's hit 54 homers over the past two seasons at AAA, but was just .244/.297 OBP last year. He could hit for power in the big leagues, but would probably struggle to hit .200. He's a career minor leaguer. Would probably be good in the Northern League.
*Chris Heintz, Rob Bowen, Shawn Wooten - C
None of these guys will ever amount to more than Tom Prince status, but they're good to have around. All three are capable back stops, while Wooten and Heintz (both veterans) have decent pop with the bat.
*Jason Tyner - OF
A speedy LH hitter with no power, Tyner, 29, probably belongs in the big leagues. He fared well in a call up last September, and has looked good this spring. If the Twins had an injury to their OF, Tyner is a better option than most teams have in AAA.
*Andres Torres - OF
Similar to Tyner but not as polished, Torres has ML experience and could help out in a pinch, but he'll be a career minor leaguer.
*Luis Maza, Tommy Watkins - IF, Josh Rabe - OF
I'd be surprised if any of these guys ever reach the Twins. They're not bad players, but they're not big leaguers. They help fill out a AAA roster.

Mid level prospects
*Jason Pridie - OF
A former top prospect of the D-Rays, Pridie would be a great addition to the Twins AAA roster, but unfortunately he's a Rule V pick, which means the Twins have to keep him in the ML all year or lose him - the same way they got Johan Santana.
Pridie has shown promise, but he's got about a 2% chance of making the team.
*JD Durbin - P
If you saw him pitch against the Reds Monday night, you saw how horrible he is. As recently as two years ago the "Real Deal" as he called himself, was arguably the top pitching prospect in the organization. But a total lack of command, maturity and possibly intelligence has him falling fast.
*Errol Simonitsch - P
A 6-foot-4, 23 yr old lefty, Simonitsch dominated A ball last year, then fared decently at AA. He's a little old to still be in AA, but he's got good stuff.
*Adam Harben - P
Similar to Simonitsch but a righty, Harben won 10 games with a 2.69 ERA in A ball last year.
*Jose Mijares - P
A 21-year old lefty with great stuff, Mijares is raw but talented. He might be the guy to eventually take JC Romero's role.

Just happy to be in camp

*Kevin Cameron, Jason Miller, Pat Neshek, Ricky Barrett - P
These guys have all put up solid numbers in the minors, but that's where they'll stay. They're either too old or simply don't have the tools that scouts want, regardless of how well they pitch in the minors.

Ugly Athlete No. 5 - Daunte Culpepper

Okay, maybe he's not really that ugly.
I just want to kick him in the balls these days.
Sounds like the Vikes are gonna trade him to Oakland for a 2nd round pick or something.
Good luck, Raiders.
But honestly, if I was the Vikes, I'd keep him, bench him, and refuse to renegotiate.
Make him rot on the bench for the next four years.

Daunte Culpepper
Prima Donna Football Player
Wussiness: 10
Cowardice: 10
Leadership: 0
Class: 0
Dependability: 0
Identifying Characteristic: Chokes whenever he is needed, blames others when something goes wrong, got busted at the love-boat party because he's married to a hippopotamus.
Looks Like: Failure.

So Long, Kirby

I think the best way to sum up Kirby Puckett, what he meant to me and so many others, is to let the man speak for himself.
The following is an excerpt from his Hall of Fame acceptance speech - by far the best I've ever heard, and one that left me in tears.

"There may be a few people out there who remember a time when the word on Kirby Puckett was that he was too short or didn't have enough power to make it to the big leagues. Well, despite the fact that I didn't get to play all the years that I wanted to, I did it.
To any young person out there: If anyone tells you you can't do what you want to do and be what you want to be, I want you to remember the guiding principles of my life. You can be what you want to be if you believe in yourself and you work hard because anything, and I'm telling you anything, is possible.
It doesn't matter if you're five foot eight like Kirby Puckett, or six foot six like my man Winnie (Dave Winfield). You can do it. And don't feel sorry for yourself if obstacles get in your way. Our great Twins World Series teams faced great odds and we beat them. Jackie Robinson faced odds and made this game truly the national game.
I faced odds when glaucoma took the bat out of my hands, but I didn't give in or feel sorry for myself. I've said it before and I'll say it again. It may be cloudy in my right eye, but the sun is shining very brightly in my left eye."

As the Twins played in the 1987 and 1991 World Series, the idea that the Twins could lose never even occured to me. I thought it was a fairy tale, and fairy tales always have happy endings, because they have heroes like Kirby Puckett.
When the Twins returned to the playoffs in 2002, I didn't have the unwavering confidence I had had as a youngster.
Maybe it was because I was 22 years old, old enough to realize that the Twins very well could lose, just like they could have lost back in 1987 and 1991.

Or maybe it was because Kirby Puckett wasn't in that Minnesota clubhouse, encouraging his teammates to jump on his back.
If he had been, maybe it would've gone back to being a fairy tale, just like it was back when I was a kid. Maybe I never would've dreamed that the Twins could lose, and maybe they would've won another championship.
Because with Kirby, fairy tales were real - something he proved every day he was in the big leagues.
He was Superman, Hercules, Santa Claus and Peter Pan rolled into one.
He was my hero.

Hang in There, Puck

I'm not going to try and say something overly profound or dramatic about Kirby Puckett as he fights for his life after suffering a stroke early Sunday morning. I'm just hoping he makes it.
Few, check that zero, celebrity/athletes were as significant to my adolescence than Kirby Puckett, a guy who could make a groundout to short entertaining.
As great as he was, though, it wasn't his .318 average or even his Game 6 performance in the '91 series that I think of first when I hear his name.
It was his smile, his bald head, his beer belly, his short, choppy, Babe Ruth-like steps as he burned around the bases. All the things that made him a real-life superhero.
Kirby's off-field problems in retirement have done little to sour my memories of him. His nice-guy persona may have been phony, but the way he played the game and inspired millions was very real.

TWINS ON TV TONIGHT!!!!!!!!

The Twins open their official exhibition schedule tonight in Fort Meyers, taking on the Boston Red Sox.
The game will be televised on FSN at 6 pm central.

Early Spring Roundup and Bloody Thursday

In what will hopefully be a sign of things to come, the World Series champion - and consensus favorite to repeat - Chicago White Sox lost the first spring training game of 2006 Wednesday, falling to the Colorado Rockies 6-0. The Detroit Tigers also edged Florida Southern University 4-3. The Twins played Concordia-St. Paul, but no score has been reported yet. Concordia, a Division 3 school, beat the Twins last spring.
Seriously.
*In other spring news, former Twins 3-hitter Bret Boone finally and mercifully announced his retirement Wednesday.
Boone was in camp with the Mets trying one last comeback, but admitted his confidence was so shaken that it wasn't worth waiting for games to start.
It's hard to remember the last time a player fell farther faster than Boone, who just a couple years ago was one of the game's most dangerous right-handed hitters.
*MLB's phony money-making scheme, otherwise known as the World Baseball Classic, continues to get pissed on by many of the game's biggest stars, as pitchers CC Sabathia and Billy Wagner both excused themselves from Team USA Wednesday, while Vlad Guerrero ditched the Dominican squad.
Team USA actually named 68-year old Al Leiter to the squad to replace Sabathia.
No word on whether the rumors of Joe Morgan coming in to play two-sack are true.
*As further evidence that this WBC thing is total PR bullshit, Twins CF Torii Hunter, a fellow WBC hater, has conspicuously stopped talking about it. When asked if MLB had told him to keep quiet, Hunter said, 'no comment'. Gee, I wonder what that means.
*The NFL may be headed for a work stoppage. Collective bargaining in pro sports is about as exciting to me as watching Dr. Phil, so I won't bother with the details.
But what is interesting is the effect the current deal is having on free-agency and the salary cap.
A few big names were cut today, and many, many more are expected tomorrow (the deadline for getting under the cap) for what many insiders are already calling "Bloody Thursday".
Don't believe it? Check out this quote: "In past years, you'd see a lot of guys released who maybe still had some name value but who were really in decline in terms of production," said one AFC team executive who was working late Tuesday, trying to figure out how to pare down a prohibitively bloated cap figure. "This year? People are going to be stunned -- not just by the quantity of players who are cut by Thursday but by the quality, too. It's going to be ugly. There's going to be blood in the streets and, compared to past years, it's going to be from some bluebloods, guys who can still play."
The Vikings have already informed Michael Bennett that he'll be cut. Will Daunte get the axe, too? I doubt it.
But there should be a chance for the Vikes, who are over $20 million under the cap, to add a RB.
Stephen Davis and Mike Anderson were both cut Wednesday, we'll see who's available tomorrow.
Both Davis and Anderson are the type of big, bruising, workhorse backs the Vikings desperately need. But Davis is clearly washed up, and Anderson will be 33 next September.
On the other hand, Anderson rushed for over 1,000 yards last year. I'd love to see the Vikes take him, especially if he's cheap.

Ugly Athlete No. 4 - Bobby Kielty

Seriously, what a D-bag.
Just look at him. The white Oscar Gamble.
He's like the guy in High School who wore a leisure suit to school one day because he thought he was so cool that everyone would think it's ironic.
But then everyone just thinks he's a fuckin jagoff.
When the Twins traded Kielty for Shannon Stewart, some people worried that the Twins had given up too much.
A certain retarded Twin Cities columnist even went as far as to suggest that the Twins may have traded the next Mickey Mantle (though all the two really have in common is that they're both white, switch-hitters and don't use batting gloves).
One thing I'm really tired of is fans latching onto certain players for that kind of shit.
"I really like Nick Punto because he slides head first" or
"I really like Dustan Mohr because he always dives for foul balls" or
"I really like Bobby Kielty because he doesn't wear batting gloves" or
"I really like Lew Ford because he's retarded just like me"
Hey, guess what? I really like Joe Mauer...because he's a fucking good baseball player!
Meanwhile the 'roided firecrotch has been a .230 hitter since the Twins traded him, while Stewart led them to two playoff appearances. I'd say it was a good trade.
So I hope Kielty's "I'm so ugly and my hair is so outrageous that I'm actually cool" bit is going over well in Oakland.
I don't miss it.
Bobby Kielty
Major League Baseball Player
2001 - present
Ugliness: 8
Creepiness: 8
Identifying Characteristic: There's a bon-fire on his head. Back zits (I've heard).
Looks like: Ronald McDonald on steroids.

Spring Training Primer

Pitchers and catchers are in camp, and the Twins will begin exhibition games in earnest within a couple weeks.
Just seeing a couple pictures of the red and blue uniforms under a bright sunshine with green grass in the background is enough to get me back in Twins mode.
It's been a pretty eventful off-season for the Twins, at least according to their standards.
Remember this is a team whose most significant off-season addition in 2001 was Tom Prince (and they ended a streak of 8 straight losing seasons that year).
Rondell White, Luis Castillo, Tony Batista and a few other minor additions will be in camp, and they'll be the key to the Twins contending this year.
Many are writing the Twins off, which is odd, considering that they actually were in contention most of last year. It's not like they're coming off a 70-92 season; they were 83-79.
Their offensive additions could be called modest, but modest is probably all they needed. The pitching staff is back, and with the subtraction of Joe Mays and JC Romero, it could actually be even better.
But that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of burning questions as camp kicks off.
Who will be the 5th starter?
I'd be shocked if it isn't Scott Baker. All the numbers suggest he's ready.
In 10 games last year, Baker was 3-3 with a 3.35 ERA. 54 innings, 48 hits, 32 K's, 14 walks.
The last rookie to put up those kind of numbers in a late season callup was Scott Erickson, who went 8-4 with a 2.87 ERA late in 1990. You may remember that he followed that up by going 20-8 in his first full season the following year.
Francisco Liriano is still the No. 1 prospect in the organization, but I don't think they want to throw him in the ro just yet.
Liriano, who had 33 K's and just 7 walks in 24 innings during his call-up (albeit with a 5.70 ERA) will hopefully still make the team. I'd use him as a power lefty out of the pen, and if he succeeds, much like Johan Santana did in the same role, Kyle Lohse can be traded, and Liriano can move up.
Who will be the right-fielder?
This one is hard to call, but I'm putting my money on Michael Cuddyer.
Twins fans certainly have a bad taste in their mouths regarding Cuddy's 2005 season, though he finished strong enough to be reasonably optimistic.
After a brutal start that cost him a starting job, Cuddy finished at .263/.330/.422 with 12 homers and 25 doubles.
It would seem like he's running out of chances, but he's still only 27, and has the minor league credentials to suggest he's capable of producing.
Jason Kubel is the wild-card here, as he'd likely be handed the job if he weren't recovering from a major knee injury.
I wouldn't mind seeing a platoon situation between the two, but we all know how Gardy feels about that.
I wouldn't even let Lew Ford compete for the job. I don't see any reason to think his 2004 season (.299/.381/.446) was anything more than a fluke.
Last year he hit like a 4th OF (.377 SLG), and I believe that's what he is. Good defender at all three spots, good speed, makes decent contact - he's a backup.
My guess is Cuddyer gets around 450 at-bats, Kubel spends most of the year in AAA, and Ford gets 300 or so ABs spelling Shannon Stewart, Torii Hunter, Rondell White and Cuddyer.
If Cuddy can post something along the lines of .270 with 20 homers, everyone would be pleased.
Will Tony Batista be horrible?
There's a lot to suggest he will. Scouting reports out of Japan said he was fat and lethargic, and remember, the guy struggles to reach base 30% of the time anyway.
But as important as those kinds of numbers are, this game isn't played by robots. And Batista's presence at the bottom of the order could have a positive effect on the lineup as a whole. Walks and singles don't score runs by themselves. A big bopper isn't a bad thing.
If he hits 25 homers with a .280 OBP, that probably isn't helping a whole lot. But if he hits 30 or 40 homers, which would have his SLG% near .500, then I'll be happy. But that's a longshot.
But ya never know. Sometimes shot-in-the-dark free-agents work out. Maybe the Twins will get lucky.
Is Shannon Stewart finished?
Stewart didn't receive nearly enough criticism for how bad he was last year (.274/.323/.388).
He was slow, chased bad pitches, and was terrible in the OF.
He needs to get back to .300/.370/.450 if he's going to be the leadoff man.
Lew Ford failed as DH last year, but his numbers would've been more acceptable in LF, especially since Ford is far superior defensively.
Meaning if Stewart is hitting .260 on May 20th, you've gotta pull him. Between Ford, Kubel, and risking Rondell White's health by putting him in left, there are too many options to put up with another crappy season from Stewart.
How big an impact will Rondell White and Luis Castillo have?
Big enough.
Castillo immediately becomes the Twins best infielder - offensively and defensively.
It'll be interesting to see how much the Twins try to run him (his steals have gone down each of the last few years) but he'll get on base. A lot.
If White stays healthy, which will likely depend a lot on him staying away from the outfield, he could have an impact similar to what Chili Davis did in 1991.
If he gets 500 ABs, White will hit around .300 with 25 homers.
Will Torii Hunter or Brad Radke get traded before the season ends?
I doubt it.
Yes, Torii has a big raise ready to kick in next year, but he's the face of the franchise, and still an at times electrifying player. He may be traded after the season, but I'd be shocked to see him go midseason. (If the Twins are 10 games under .500 at the deadline, however, that's a different story)
Radke had said previously he'd retire after this year, but now he's hinting he'd like to keep playing.
I doubt the Twins would be interested in bringing him back at $10M a year, but if Brad was willing to sign, say, a 2 yr $8M type deal, that might be reasonable.
Again, I think you'll only see him go if the Twins are out of contention.
Kyle Lohse on the other hand, will likely go. Especially if Liriano is doing well.
Will Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau take a step up?
I think so.
With Mauer I don't believe there's any doubt.
His numbers last year seemed modestly impressive, but a closer look suggests he's ready to break out.
He hit .294/.372/.411, and struck out only 61 times in 489 ABs. He stole 13 bases in 14 attempts.
As he gets more comfortable, the on-base and slugging numbers are only going to go up.
At worst, I would expect Mauer to hit .310-15 homers-100 RBIs with a .400+OBP.
If he really breaks out, .330-25 homers isn't out of the question.
As for Morneau, I just think he's too skilled too end up a flop.
Morneau might be the single biggest key to the Twins success this year, and he's had a healthier off-season, a new hitting coach inserted, and will have better hitters in front of and behind him.
.260 with 30 homers is a reasoable expectation.
The other teams in the Central, even the White Sox, have questions of their own. I'll get to those another time.

Ugly Athlete No. 3 - Dirk Nowitzki

I don't know who the kid is (looks like a guy I used to work with at B-dubs) but the drunk fool next to him is NBA All-Star Dirk Nowitzki of the Dallas Mavericks, who, as you can see, is one ugly motherfucker.
I don't know why, but if you are white, and over 6-feet-9 inches tall, you are about 99% certain to be ugly as shit. If you're European, it's like 100%.
Dirk often shaves his head and face, at which point he's even uglier.
I think someone probably told him at some point to grow his hair and goatee long to try and hide his ugliness. It's a ploy Mike Miller is also using these days.
That picture is so horrible that if I was that kid I'd throw it away. I know it's cool to have a picture of yourself with a drunk NBA star trying to give the finger, but seriously, that shit's just hard to look at.
Dirk Nowitzki
NBA Basketball Player 1999 - present
Ugliness: 10
Creepiness: 5
Identifying Characteristic: An all-around horribleness. He's German.
Looks like: Hard to tell in the above picture, but kind of like Skeletor of He-Man fame. Especially when he shaves his shit.

Daunte on the Block

The Star Tribune reports the Vikings are going to give whiney-boy his wish.
Daunte is on the block.
Apparently he asked Wilf for a $10 million raise, which Wilf 'angrily' refused.
Of course what Zygi is missing is that Daunte knows he doesn't deserve a raise - that's why he's asking for one. To force the Vikings to trade him.
The story says the Vikings are asking for - get this - a 2nd round draft pick. Wow.
That is what you call falling from grace.
Another more encouraging scenario has the Vikes sending Daunte to Baltimore for Jamal Lewis.
Now Lewis' best days are certainly behind him, but I'd be more excited about landing him than a 2, considering recent Vikings second round picks include guys like Raonall Smith, EJ Henderson and Marcus Johnson.

Ugly Athlete No. 2 - Monica Seles

I used to watch a lot of tennis when I was a kid, and I had a special dislike for Monica Seles; for three reasons.
1 - She was, for a time, unbeatable.
2 - She squaled like a farm animal whenever she hit a forehand.
3 - She wasn't hot.
I feel kinda bad picking on someone who was once stabbed in the back by a psychotic fan (epsecially since her career was never the same after the incident), but Seles was, and probably still is, a big time dog.
Most men would probably be semi-turned on by listening to a woman howl like she's getting plowed by a jackhammer, yet Ms. Seles managed to make it pretty gross.
Makes you wonder what kind of noises she makes when she's having sex. Assuming she has sex.
With men.
Monica Seles
Professional Tennis Player 1989-2002
Ugliness: 7
Creepiness: 5
Identifying Characteristic: Hair that looks like it was pulled off of a broom, perma-scowl face, mannish body, walrus-like grunts during play. Has never heard of makeup.
Looks like: A man.

Ugly Athlete No. 1 - Willie McGee

As a cheap way to keep finding things to write about in this space, I've decided to launch what I hope will be an entertaining project: Identifying the ugliest athletes in America.
Past or present, male or female, professional or college, anyone is eligible.
I'm not going to rank them in any particular order, and I'll post a new ugly athlete pretty much whenever I don't have anything better to touch on - no particular schedule.
Certainly there will be many on the list that are easy targets, obvious choices, while others may reflect a personal touch.
Because ugliness, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.
You know how sometimes you're attracted to a chick and you don't really know why?
She might have a big nose or funny looking teeth or a weird scar on her face, but something about her just... 'works' for some reason.
Same deal for picking ugly athletes.
Might be a normal enough looking guy, but something about him (or her) just gives you the creeps.
So there may be some less obvious choices.
So without further ado.....
Leading off the list is former outfielder Willie McGee, who had a fine career, mostly with the St. Louis Cardinals. The 1985 NL MVP, McGee is also the only player to win a batting title in one league, while finishing the season playing in the other (1990, when the Cards sent him to the A's at the waiver deadline).
Willie McGee
Major League Baseball Player 1982-1999.
Ugliness: 9
Creepiness: 6
Identifying Characteristic: Doesn't really have a chin, or any lower face to speak of. His bottom lip seems to connect to his neck. Kind of like a chicken.
Looks like: Kind of like a chicken, also like a crack-addict. Chappelle's show could have fun with this guy.

Wither Sammy Sosa?

Sammy Sosa is threatening to retire.
This is kind of like Hitler threatening to kill himself, or Blink 182 threatening to stop making albums.
And yes, that is Sammy Sosa in the picture at left.
Before he started, ya know....lifting weights.
I won't sit here and say I hate Sammy Sosa, because he never really did anything all that bad (other than that whole "weight-lifting" thing).
But he always bugged the hell out of me, and it pisses me off that he has more career homers than guys like Mickey Mantle, Frank Robinson and Harmon Killebrew.
The thing that always bugged me about Sosa is how stupid he clearly is. Nobody likes stupid people and Sosa is certainly that.
His ridiculous homerun 'hop', (which he also did every time he flied out to left field because he's a fuck-tard) was the most ridiculous thing I ever saw a pro athlete do, except for maybe that other ridiculous thing he'd do - you know, where he dumps a cup of water on his head (rather than in his mouth) and kisses his fingers and points and whatever else was part of that Gay Latin Handjive.
Only a total moron would do this kind of shit.
The guy played the game like a 6-year old, and I don't mean that as a compliment. Accordingly, his supposed "immense popularity" was strictly relegated to little-leaguers, great-grandmothers and retarded people. No one over the age of 12 actually enjoyed Sosa's tired and phony antics.
Sosa was also never popular with any teammate he ever had. In his mind he was the show, and everyone else in blue pinstripes was an extra.
When he was in his prime he was famous (infamous?) for controlling the boombox in the Cubs locker room and do you know what he listened to?
Whitney Houston and Celine Dion. I'm not making this shit up just to spite the fucker, it's true.
Whitney fucking Houston and Celine Goddamn Dion! In a Major League clubhouse.
If I have not yet convinced you that Sammy Sosa sucks, never read this blog again because I hate you.
Sosa has made over $125 million dollars in his career just from playing baseball. Who knows how much additional cash he has made from Pepsi commercials.
(Side note: This is why I hate Pepsi - they use assfaces like Sammy Sosa in their commercials and think it's cute and hip. It's actually gay. Pepsi and Sammy Sosa may be the most perfect match I've ever heard of.)
But with all that money, Sosa is apparently going to turn down a $500,000 contract from the Washington Nationals, because he's insulted by it. A million and he'll talk, according to reports.
He has 588 career homeruns - 12 more and he joins the Babe, Bonds, Hank and Willie in the 600 club.
Here's hoping he hangs it up.
Cuz he don't belong on any list with those guys.

WBC - The Stupidest Thing......Ever

I first heard rumblings about something like this in a Peter Gammons column about six or seven years ago.
Gammons (of whom I am a huge fan) was yammering on about how the World Series isn't a "true" World Series - more like a North American Series.
Apparently he thought that since the teams reside only in the US and Canada, the players are all either American or Canadian, too.
Then Bud Selig started talking about.
And now this month we're gonna have it.
And I hate it.
Hate it, hate it, hate it.
No one in America gives a flying fuck about this stupid baseball tournament.
In Venezuela, the Dominican, Cuba, Puerto Rico, etc., it'll probly be bigger than the second coming of Jesus Christ.
I just think the Major League Baseball regular season is good enough, and I don't want it, or the health of my favorite players, jeopardized by a meaningless tournament.
Plus, I think it's just promoting segregation.
Why do we have to keep labeling the players we root for as Venezuelan, Dominican or Puerto Rican? I don't care where they're from. Why are we always trying to seperate them?
I remember last year at the Home Run derby they had all the players play for their country, and when you watched the derby you just had all the American guys on one side, keeping to themselves, and all the Latin guys on the other, speaking Spanish and doing the same. It made for an uncomfortable scene.
Plus the rules on this thing have been stretched to absurdity, as anyone who's last name ends in a vowel - Piazza, Delucci, etc., are playing for Italy, Mark Mulder is on the roster for the Netherlands, etc., even though none of these guys have ever set foot in Europe.
Hey, how about a "Skin-tone classic"?
Just think, Torii Hunter and the Bruthas vs Justin Morneau and the Crackas!
Oooh, the drama!
Or a World Faith Classic, where Shawn Green leads the Jews against Roberto Alomar and the Catholics!
This is stupid, and the only Americans who will care are the same sunshine sports fans who watch the Olympics and the media drones who are forced to cover the damn thing.
The good news is it already has the makings of a failure, as big name players are taking their names off the list in droves (Joe Mauer just withdrew - thank God) and tickets are selling like Herpes brand lip-stick.
The World Series is a World Series because Major League Baseball clubs are made up of the best players in the World. Otherwise, Manny Ramirez, Johan Santana, Ichiro Suzuki, Vladimir Guerrero, David Ortiz, etc. would be playing in the leagues of their respective countries instead of coming here.
You know what I hope happens?
I hope Alex Rodrigues tears his ACL in the first game, and George Steinbrenner sues Bud Selig's ass off.
Then maybe this ridiculous ploy to cheat poverty-stricken Latin fans out of money they don't have, will come to an end.
* Matthew LeCroy signed a one-year deal with Washington.
I'm happy for him. Glad he didn't have to go play in Japan or something.
The guy's slow and a liability with the glove, but he can mash lefties.

Sierra, Lil' Nicky, and McHale's Navy

It's not often you can say about a guy, "Boy, I wish we'd had him 20 years ago", but in the case of Ruben Sierra, you can.
When Joe Mauer was in pre-school, Ruben Sierra was emerging as one of the game's most dangerous hitters.
Now Mauer will occasionally be batting in front of him.
I don't think it's a bad move necessarily, in that Sierra is a veteran, a switch-hitter, and he still has power.
He's a better option off the bench than Terry Tiffee or Glenn Williams.
But on the same day Sierra signed with the Twins, Russell Branyan signed with the Devil Rays.
The Devil Rays!
I'm not saying Branyan is the answer to all our problems, but he's 29 (Sierra is 40) and had a .378 OBP and .490 SLG last year.
Sierra posted a sub-.300 OBP for the second straight year, and hit just four homers in 170 at-bats.
To be honest, I think he'll struggle to make the team. On the other hand, Gardy seems to loathe rookies after what happened last year, so I think Sierra and Tony Batista, who both signed minor league contracts, are virtual locks to make the team.
If nothing else, putting Sierra in the Randy Bush-Midre Cummings-Jose Offerman role might end up working out just fine.
*On a side note, last week the Twins re-upped with Nicky Punto.
Fuckin' hooray.
I don't think anybody epitomized the failure of last year's Twins more than this guy. They wanted soooo bad for him to be some kind of shortstop version of Lenny Dykstra, only one problem - he can't hit for shit.
You constantly hear about how he "hustles" and what a "gamer" he is.
Guess what? Nobody gives a shit. Sliding into first base may get the front of your jersey all dirty and make you look cool to chicks that don't know anything about sports, but it doesn't make you a good baseball player. In fact, it makes you stupid. Incredibly stupid if you're injury prone like Punto is.
Congratulations to Punto on being good at two things: getting hit by pitch, and getting dirty. Two things most fat little-leaguers also possess the ability to succeed at.
Last year this black-hole of a baseball player managed to eat up 394 at-bats, which is unforgivable.
In those 394 at-bats he batted .239, with 4 homers, 26 RBIs, and 18 doubles (a .301 OBP and .335 SLG). He struck out a lot, and walked a little.
Oh, but he's fast, you say.
How's 13 steals in 21 attempts then? Shitty. According to most of the math nerds, you're only helping your team by stealing bases if you're successful 70% of the time at the very, very least.
Lil' Nicky: 61.9 %.
But he's a good fielder, you say.
Well, he did actually post good defensive numbers last year, at both 2B and SS, but Luis Castillo and Juan Castro were both far better, and both, even the light-hitting Castro, were much better at the dish as well.
So where does the value lay with this guy? As a Denny Hocking-style utility player?
If Jason Bartlett is the starting SS then can't Castro fill that role?
Get rid of this clown. He sucks.
*Early returns on the Wolves-Celtics trade are pretty solid.
Marcus Banks should be the starting PG from here on out, and Mark Blount has already proven to be light-years better than Olowokandi. The knock on Blount is similar to the knock on Kandi - doesn't care - a stiff. And can't rebound.
He had 16 points, 10 boards and four blocks the other night, after having 18 points the prior game.
We're not even mentioning the main part of the deal, Ricky Davis for Wally, which will probably benefit both teams. Celtics needed a guy who can score with better than 40% accuracy, Wolves needed a more athletic swingman. Mission accomplished.
Justin Reed may not be anything special, but he at least gives the Wolves some more depth in the frontcourt.
It's still waaaayy early to judge, but so far it looks like McHale made his team, at the very least, a lot more athletic.

Hamster Face: Who needs running backs?

This comment from Hamster Face about the running back free-agent pool is another reason that I hate him even though he hasn't called a single play as Vikings coach:

"We've kind of looked at the free agents that are out there. They're kind of journeyman guys. I know there's Edgerrin James out there. He'll come with a big-ticket price. Jamal Lewis. He'll come with a big-ticket price," Hamster face said. "What we've done in Philadelphia is kind of done it by committee. So if we can't find that guy, that's the lead dog, that can do it 25 or 30 times a game, we'll go ahead and spread it around a little and keep everybody fresh."

Yeah, who wants Edgerrin James, or Jamal Lewis, or Preist Holmes, or Shaun Alexander (the fucking league MVP!)?
It's not like we're $30 million under the cap - oh, wait, we are. Maybe we can sign Duce Staley.
In case you're an idiot, I'll point out to you that the Eagles have had a terrible running game throughout the entire coaching tenure of Andy Reid. Their best running back is Donovan McNabb. So I'm sure glad that Hamster face is ready to go that same route in Minny.

Update: McHale makes a move

Wally Szczerbiak has been traded to the Celtics, along with Michael Olowokandi and Dwane Jones for Ricky Davis, Mark Blount, Marcus Banks and a couple draft picks. The Wolves also apparently traded Nikoloz Tskitishvilli to Phoenix for a pick. No one noticed.
Wally was having his best season, averaging 20.1 ppg on 51 % shooting, while Olowokandi had gone completely in the toilet.
Having said that Ricky Davis is only slightly less crazy than Ron Artest, and an only slightly better all around player than Wally. He's a better defender, but not as reliable on offense.
Blount is a stiff, but maybe not as stiff as Kandi-man.
Basically I have no opinion of this trade other than I'll kind of miss Wally.
Paul Pierce would've been better. Or Steve Francis.
I don't see how this makes the Wolves better, really. Although it's clear that KG and Wally still weren't getting along, so maybe that pushed the deal.

Two Great Players....One good exec

That's what you see in the photo at left.
Since the T-Wolves never won more than 29 games before Kevin McHale began running the show, I guess he technically deserves credit for bringing the Wolves out of the abyss and into respectability.
But even that requires giving him a big benefit of the doubt.
If you caught any of the Wolves 107-87 loss to Memphis on Wednesday night, you saw a bad team hitting bottom.
The Wolves have two impact players, one of whom (Szczerbiak) is still overrated, a couple of wild cards (Eddie Griffin and Rashad McCants) and a bunch of guys whose trading cards aren't worth a nickel.
Back when the CBA was a credible league, most of today's T-Wolf roster would've fit in perfectly.
Flip Saunders, I probably don't need to point out, has like a 95-1 record with Detroit. Or something like that.
I like McHale, but enough is enough. He's gotta go. He's the problem.
Pluses on McHale's resume include drafting Kevin Garnett, drafting Wally Szczerbiak, drafting Ray Allen (who he traded for Stephon Marbury) and, well, that's about it.
He also drafted Paul Grant, William Avery, Ndudi Ebi and Rashad McCants.
The devastating Joe Smith fiasco happened on his watch, though owner Glen Taylor also deserves a lot of blame there, too.
I won't blame McHale for trading Marbury for Terrell Brandon, because he didn't have any choice. He got what he could there.
But he did choose Brandon over both Bobby Jackson (6th man of the year) and Chauncey Billups (NBA Finals MVP). These are probably the two biggest black eyes on his record.
I liked the additions of Sam Cassell and Latrell Sprewell at the time, and I don't think you can blame McHale for them flaming out as fast as they had caught fire.
But when McHale fired Flip last year, he was essentially choosing Sam and Spree over Flip. The Wolves were losing last year because Flip lost those two players. While it seemed at least somewhat logical at the time, it's apparent now what a grave mistake that was, given that Sam and Spree were both shown the door the minute the season ended.
Fired the coach in favor of two players who only spent two more months with the club. Ouch.
I was perfectly willing to give Dwane Casey a chance as the Wolves coach. He seems like a classy, intelligent guy who has worked hard for his shot at a job.
But at the moment he appears to be overwhelmed by the job, and perhaps not creative enough to find ways to cure his teams ills.
He hasn't been able to reach Olowokandi, he doesn't seem to know what to make of Marko Jaric, the 6-foot-7 point guard, and he seems to be pulling the B.S. about Trenton Hassell being the next Ron Artest.
As much as he has failed as a GM, McHale wasn't a bad coach last year (19-12). At this point it looks like the team might have been better off if he'd kept the job.
But assembling the roster over the past few years has been a disaster. McHale's only successful draft picks were no brainers. Anyone would've taken Garnett or Allen or Szczerbiak.
Nowadays, the NBA draft is more like the baseball draft. You draft teenagers based on them being able to develop and help your team in a couple years.
If you look at the NBA scoring leaders right now, you'll see a bunch of unfamiliar names.
Guys that we all knew to nothing about on the day they were drafted, but are quietly becoming the next generation of the league's superstars.
That's because the other teams have figured it out. You have to scout. You have to look hard. And you have to develop those players once you get them.
Every year you look at the draft and say, 'There's nobody good out there, the draft is a waste, etc.' That is proving to be untrue. The impact players are still out there - they're just not as obvious as they once were. Some teams are finding them. The Wolves are not.
They also continue to fail in getting the most out of Garnett. Most scouts still say that from a total package standpoint, Garnett is the best player in the league. He can literally do it all.
Or can he?
Why can't he score more than 22 points a game?
Did anyone even realize that Garnett is currently leading the NBA in FG%?
Here's an idea: If your best player is the best shooter in the league, maybe he should shoot more.
I'm tired of hearing about how well Garnett 'distributes the ball' and 'gets his teammates involved.'
His teammates suck.
They need to be less involved.
Look at Kobe. He knows his teammates suck. Some nights he works to make them better. Other nights, when he realizes they're not getting it done, he takes over and scores 81.
I'm not saying KG can score 81 a game, but there should be more nights where he makes like Kobe and says, 'To hell with you jokers, I'm taking us home.'
Instead the Wolves continue to struggle. Struggle to win games and struggle to find an identity.
They're hard to watch.
Trading KG is not the answer. Firing McHale, and possibly Casey with him, is.

Kobe vs. MJ

Screw the Steelers and Seahawks, the biggest news in the sports world Sunday was Kobe Bryant putting up 81 - 81! against the Raptors.
It's the second highest total ever, and if you consider that Bryant is competing on a much more level playing field than was Wilt Chamberlain, it was the most impressive offensive performance in the history of the sport.
Normally the words 'ball hog' might come into play here, but the Lakers really don't have much besides No. 8, and both Kobe and Phil Jackson acknowledged that the other Lakers were 'lethargic'.
And here's the thing - Kobe hit 61 percent of his shots from the floor. He was 28 of 46 from the floor (including 7 of 13 from 3-point range) and 18 of 20 from the line. An amazing night.
In case you were wondering, Michael Jordan's career-high was 69.
And speaking of Jordan, this game will no doubt continue to spark the debate: Is Kobe the next Jordan? Is he, or will he eventually be, better than Jordan?
I think the numbers say that no, he's not, but, hey, Kobe does seem like he's got more suprises up his sleeve.
Kobe, at this very moment, is averaging 35.9 points per game, 5.6 rebounds per game, 4.3 assists per game, 1.3 steals and 0.5 blocks. He's shooting 45 percent from the floor, 84 percent from the line, and 34 percent from downtown.
For a little comparison, let's look at MJ's peak years, 1987-1990.
1987 - 37.1 points, 5.2 rebs, 4.6 ass, 2.9 steals, 1.5 blocks. 48% FG, 86%FT.
1988 - 35.0 points, 5.5 rebs, 5.9 ass, 3.2 stels, 1.6 blocks, 54%FG, 84%FT
1989 - 32.5 points, 8.0 rebs, 8.0 ass, 2.9 steals, 0.8 blocks, 54%FG, 85%FT
1990 - 33.6 points, 6.9 rebs, 6.3 ass, 2.9 steals, 0.7 blocks, 52%FG, 85%FT
Clearly, Kobe doesn't compare to MJ from a 'total package' perspective. Jordan's shooting percentages were ridiculous for a guard, as were his rebounds and blocks. He nearly averaged a triple-double in '89. And Jordan was not only the league's most dangerous scorer, he was easily the best defender as well.
So, no I don't think you can argue that Kobe is as good of a player as MJ was.
But he might be as good a scorer.
Kobe appears to be able to score in big bunches whenever he wants, regardless of the opponent, a very Jordan-like quality.
It seemed like whenever Jordan was pissed or wanted to make a point, he'd go out and score 55 almost on cue. That's what Kobe does.
Jordan's absurdly high FG% was a product of his physical strength and defensive ability, which created a lot of fast-break points and dunks and lay-ups on penetrations.
Kobe has some of that ability, but to a much lesser extent. He shoots a lot, and he shoots from everywhere. What he may have that MJ never did, is the ability to catch fire from outside, which makes him unstoppable for certain spurts.
Kobe has a lot more range, and when he gets hot from outside, no amount of double and triple teams can stop him. That's why he scored 81 points and MJ never did. Jordan could never get that hot with his jumper.
Jordan, it should be pointed out, didn't add the 3-pointer to his game until he had to, due to age.
In '87, when MJ scored a career-high 3,041 points - the last player to eclipse 3,000 - he made 12 3-pointers all year. 12!
It wasn't until 1990 that he started shooting them regularly, hitting 92.
So really, thirty-something Jordan did look a lot like modern-day Kobe. Threatening to drive more than he actually did it, and living off fade-away jumpers and 3-pointers.
And that's where the comparison comes from.
People forget how unstoppable MJ was in his early to mid 20's.
They remember how he looked late in his career: Kobe-esque.
Kobe is an unbelievable player, and I wouldn't be surprised if he threatens Wilt's 100-point game. I also wouldn't be surprised if he becomes the first player other than Wilt to average 40 for a season.
But even if he does, he won't be the same player Jordan was.
There are four athletes in history who have dominated their sports like nobody else in history:
Wilt, Jordan, Babe Ruth and Wayne Gretzky.
Unless Kobe starts racking up triple-doubles and defensive player of the year awards, he won't make that list.

The Cowardly Lion....er, Viking

Daunte Culpepper has had a tough time pretty much since he first came to the Vikings.
He spent his rookie year as a 4th string QB behind Jeff George, Randall Cunningham and Todd Bouman. He played sparingly in the pre-season, and when he looked understandably green, fans started to grumble that he was a poor pick. We never stopped hearing about Jevon Kearse and how the Vikes erred in passing him up.
Of course he proved them wrong over the next five years, putting up mostly outstanding numbers, despite having issues with turnovers.
In 2005, he had what was, in my opinion, the single greatest all-around season any QB has ever had in the league.
Yet Vikings fans, never trusting of a QB who isn't pale skinned, still refused to open their arms to Culpepper.
That fan distrust was made even more obvious this year with the way Vikings fans fell all over themselves to praise the work of Brad Johnson.
Johnson did what a backup QB should do, and yes, Culpepper could certainly learn a lot from the veteran about playing under control and protecting the football.
Yet keep this in mind: Daunte made seven starts this year, five against quality teams (Tampa, Cincy, Chicago, Carolina and Atlanta). He lost all five and played poorly in all five. In the two games Pep played against poor teams (GB, N.O.) he played great and the Vikings won.
Johnson pretty much followed the same trend, but the easy part of the schedule fell on his watch.
Johnson had much less to do with the Vikings turnaround then did a favorable schedule and an improved defense.
But the fans didn't see it that way. They filled call-in shows with pleas to dump Daunte and committ to BJ.
And Daunte heard them.
This week Daunte's camp reportedly asked for a raise, which, of course, makes no sense with Culpepper coming off his worst year and worst injury.
He knows it makes no sense, that's why he asked.
Because he wants out.
And he hopes this'll force the team's hand, because he knows he's never getting a raise.
He has given up on trying to make the Vikings his team.
For as much as the Vikings have tried to annoint Daunte as their leader, he is clearly incapable of such.
He's a baby.
Instead of manning up to his own poor choices in the love-boat incident (regardless of how guilty he actually is),he has chosen to blame the Star Tribune.
Instead of saying, 'Hey I had a bad year. My bad.', he's asked for more money.
Instead of meeting his new coach face to face(a coach who, as far as I can tell, was only hired for Daunte's benefit, because of his work with Donovan McNabb, a QB with similar skills), he took 10 minutes to call him on his cell phone.
Instead of honoring Mike Tice's request to try to spark the team by speaking to them prior to a game late in the season, he refused.
Some leader.
As I mentioned, fans in this area have never given Daunte a fair shake, and in that regard I definitely feel for him. But he's a pro. A handsomely paid one at that.
His job is not to make people love him. His job is to win. To be a leader.
And he has failed.
Having said that, he's got no leverage here. (Nor does BJ, who has 3 years left on his deal.)
If I thought the Vikings could get a 1st round pick for him, I'd favor trading Daunte tomorrow. They'd then have 2 1st rounders, one of which they could trade to San Diego for Phillip Rivers. Then let him and BJ battle it out.
But due to the injury, the sex-scandal and his recent pouting, teams looking to acquire Daunte won't dream of offering anything good for him.
So I don't know exactly where that leaves the Vikes.
My guess is Daunte will realize he's backed himself into a corner and come back with his tail between his legs.
And while I don't really support the hiring of Brad Childress, I have a pretty good feeling he's the right guy to get Daunte back to the player he was under Scott Linehan.
Let's just hope Daunte was watching those games with BJ at the helm.
See what happens when you just take the sack Daunte? Interceptions are bad.

The All Unemployed Team

Courtesy of ESPN's Jayson Stark.
1B -- Tino Martinez
2B -- Bo Hart
SS -- Dueling Alex Gonzalezes
3B -- Russell Branyan
LF -- Ruben Sierra
CF -- Alex Sanchez
RF -- Sammy Sosa
C -- Bengie Molina
DH -- Frank Thomas

Starting Rotation -- Roger Clemens, Jeff Weaver, Josh Fogg, Ismael Valdez, Wade Miller.

Bullpen -- Ugueth Urbina, Antonio Alfonseca, Rick White, Paul Quantrill, Buddy Groom.

Bats off the bench -- Richard Hidalgo, Matt LeCroy, Erubiel Durazo, Scott Hatteberg, Daryle Ward, B.J. Surhoff.

Utility brigade -- Royce Clayton, Jose Hernandez, Rey Sanchez, Jeff DaVanon, Ramon Martinez, Willie Harris, Denny Hocking.

Future Hall of Famer -- Mike Piazza

Available for one at-bat (pick your spot) -- Juan Gonzalez

Congressional witness -- Rafael Palmeiro

Humor aside, there are at the very least a half dozen names on this list that could help the Twins tremendously in 2006.

The Bears - No Playoffs For You

When Ditka was coach and McMahon was under center, the Bears were a great team.
A manly team that won the big game.
A team you respected.
However in light of yet another season in which the Bears used great defense, an easy schedule and a lot of luck to win the NFC North, only to go 1 and done in the playoffs (just like everyone knew they would) I say it's time Paul Tagliabue did the right thing and banned the Chicago Bears from NFL Playoff eligibility.
No matter what happens in the regular season, no matter their record, they can't go.
Too many times they've wasted a spot in the tournament that would have been better suited for a team that actually has a chance to win a game in the playoffs.
This year, for example, the Chargers, Chiefs, Cowboys, Dolphins, Falcons and Vikings all would have given a better post-season showing.
So next year if they go 13-3 you just say, "Nice going guys, see ya next September" and let in some 7-9 team that scored more than 8 points a game and doesn't have a couple of stiffs at QB.
Don't get me wrong, if the Bears actually develop an offense, or at least something that would lead any sane person to believe they had more than a 10% chance to win in January, they can petition to the commisioner for re-instatement, a la Pete Rose.
And, as with Rose, they should then be denied.

On hamster face, boner-nose and the Bush administration

I'm not going to bore anyone with political stuff here, but one thing you can't deny about George W. is his willingness to hand out jobs on his staff to people with whom he has a past personal connection to.
I'm sure in some cases this has worked out fine, but I don't think I need to mention the cases in which it has not.
Which leads me to Brad Childress (or hamster face, as I will call him in reference to the gigantic thing on his upper lip, which goes so well with his shiny bald dome) - new coach of the Vikings.
Apparently hamster face's idea of assembling a credible staff is hiring everyone he worked with at Wisconsin and Northern Arizona. He has so far engaged in little more than croneyism when it comes to the hiring of his assistant coaches.
I'll give them a chance, I guess, but doesn't anyone else think that's a lazy and potentially dangerous way of doing things?
Say what you want about Mike Tice, but his top assistants (Linehan, Cottrell and special teams coach Rusty Tillman) were guys who Tice had never worked with previously. He didnt hire them because they were his buddies, he hired them because he thought they were the best guys for the job. In fact, Tice deserves full credit for 'discovering' Linehan, who was an assistant at Louisville when Tice decided to give him a chance. Now Linehan appears to be headed towards a head coaching job of his own.
Hamster face's excuse has been that everyone will agree on the system, things will run smoothly and everyone will be on the same page, etc., etc., but that smells like a load of crap to me.
There are a lot of people out there who think highly of hamster face, but I don't see any reason to be excited about him. As Philly's OC, he didn't call the plays (Andy Reid did) and the Eagles offense was only good once (when some T.O. fella was catching passes).
Owner Zygi Wilf (or boner-nose, as I will call him for obvious reasons) doesn't know a thing about football, so I will absolutely not give him the benefit of the doubt for his first hiring.
"(Hamster face) is a winner," is what Boner-Nose said at the press conference announcing the hiring. Based on what? is my question.
Like I said, I'll give him a chance, and I hope he does well. He's inherting an already pretty good team. But let's not start trusting this guy to do anything other than house tiny insects in his face.

Koskie Redux?

Though they initially denied any interest, the Twins are in fact, discussing a deal for a 3B with Toronto.
While I'd rather have Shea HIllenbrand, the deal is centering around Corey Koskie, with the Jays offering to pick up a very large chunk of salary.
It sounds like the Twins want to do the deal, but they may have to trade Kyle Lohse to clear up the payroll space.
I'm cautiously optimistic, as Koskie is better than Batista overall, but Batista's power is intriguing.
I hope that if they do get Koskie that they don't release Batista. Especially since you know Koskie won't stay healthy all year.

*Vikings update: Coaches that would not be a step forward after firing Tice - Jim Fassell, Wade Phillips, Dan Reeves, Ted Cottrell, Al Saunders, Brad Childress, Mike Singletary.
Coaches who I'd be excited about: Jim Schwartz, Ron Rivera, Jim Haslett, Steve Mariucci, Tim Lewis, Maurice Carthon.
Best guess? They hire Childress - an Andy Reid disciple.

Maybe something could still happen

With the Twins infield.
The Toronto Blue Jays continued their off season spending spree when they traded for 3B Troy Glaus.
THe Blue Jays now have 44 third basemen on their roster.
Actually, that's only a slight exaggeration.
The Jays have Glaus, Corey Koskie, Shea Hillenbrand, Eric Hinske and Aaron HIll all on their roster.
They're all third basemen and they're all better than Tony Batista.
The Jays know they have to trade at least one of them, figuring HIll can play short and two of the others can fill the 1B and DH roles.
But knowing that they HAVE to make a trade, they cant be too picky.
Kyle Lohse for Shea Hillenbrand anyone?
I know I said the Twins were done, and they still likely are, but I'd be shocked if T-Ry didn't at least inquire about one of these guys.
Any of them would be an upgrade, and then Batista could move to the bench, where his power would have value as a RH-PH.

MNF - ESPN will probably screw it up

I'll admit that I'm a sucker for nostalgia, but even so, the end of Monday Night Football on ABC is, to me, a big deal.
I've never been big on watching football games that don't involve the Vikings, but MNF has always been an exception. I've watched at least 10 Monday night games a year every year since probly 1987, and as the Jets-Pats game wound down - I realized how many amazing moments I've witnessed on Monday nights over the years.
My first memory of MNF goes back to a 49ers-Bears game from '86 or '87.
I had jumped on the Super Bowl Shufflin Bears bandwagon as a 5-year old, and although it had mostly worn off by then, I still had a small affinity for them.
I really liked receiver Willie Gault, and of course, Jim McMahon, Walter Payton and Fridge Perry.
Anyway, I remember my dad saying to me that the 49ers would beat the Bears "something like 41-0"
I thought he was crazy.
Final score that night?
49ers 41, Bears 0.
But there were so many other moments.
Bo Jackson burning past the Seahawks defense, down the sideline until he dissapeared into the tunnel.
Randall Cunningham amazingly shaking off Carl Banks to throw the winning touchdown.
Jim McMahon to Eric Gulliford to beat the Packers.
An ancient Joe Montana leading another improbable comeback, this time as a Chief, to beat Elway and the Broncos.
Brett Favre's 99 yard TD pass to Robert Brooks.
Frank Gifford pronouncing 'Monday' 'Mondee'
Dennis Miller.
Randy Moss's coming-out party to end the Packers home winning streak.
Deion Sanders finding a way to make a game-changing play every time he was on MNF.
Painfully watching Eric Dickerson's sideline reports.
The guy who jumped out of the stands to catch a field goal kick, and falling God knows how far to the ground - with the ball in tow.
The Jets huge comback from down 30-8 against the Dolphins.
Jerry Rice staging his own personal track meet against the Vikings - more than once.
Vikings-Packers - Antonio Freeman, Chris Dishman - you know the play.
Hank Williams, Jr.
Raider RB Napolean McCallum's knee bending the WRONG way in one of the most gruesome injuries ever.
The T.O. - Desperate Housewives thing.
Every former Buckeye saying they played at THE Ohio State University.
Dan Deardorf overstating the talent of everyone in the NFL.
Dan Deardorf saying 'Lord take me now, I've seen it all.' What a retard. (THough I should point out I never hated him as much as most people did)
Truthfully, any NFC Central or NFC North game that was ever played on Monday Night. I'll admit I'm biased, but I think every NFL fan outside this division is being cheated. There is simply nothing like football in the NFC North. It's what the NFL is all about.
While the Bo Jackson run and the Joe Montana pass to (I think it was Willie Davis) to beat Denver are the individual plays that stand out the most to me, the personal performance I'll never forget is without a doubt Brett Favre's superhuman effort against the Raiders two days after the death of his father. He had something like 400 yards and 5 touchdowns, and the Packers ripped the Raiders. It was unbelieveable, and like almost everything on this list, I'll never forget it.
MNF will continue on ESPN, and in most ways, it will be relatively the same.
But it still won't be.
Little kids won't be able to watch in secret on tiny black and white antenna Tv's, praying their parents don't hear it, like I did growing up. Or in the garage, or the kitchen, or anywhere else there's no cable.
The game will no longer be followed by your local news, it will be followed by Sportscenter, and that will be annoying, as will the ESPN commercials.
To me, what sums up just how special MNF was, is the spooky way it's death mirrored its birth.
The score of the first MNF game ever, in 1969, was 31-21. The losing team was the Jets.
Tonights score? 31-21. Losing team? J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets.

It's Over (Plus more '06 lineup)

I'm surprised at how hard I took the Vikings loss to the Ravens tonight.
The Vikings have fallen to a very distant second behind the Twins when it comes to my favorite sports teams, but for some reason, I liked this team.
Maybe because they finally had a reasonable defense, maybe because of their improbable rise from the dead to contention, maybe because I pull for Mike Tice.
Or maybe because they simply should've won this won. And then they should've beat the Bears to make the playoffs. I was sure it would happen. How could they lose to the Ravens?
30-23? (don't you WISH you bet the over).
Ironic, too, that that was the score when most people (myself included) figured it would take probably 17 points to win. I figured for a low-scoring game, and if an offense like the Vikings' (it's worse than you think it is) can score 23 points against the Raven's D - that should be a win every time.
And if Kyle Boller can have that kind of night, maybe the Vikes D still needs some work.
I'm not sure if Tice should be back - that probably depends on what the alternatives are.
But the defense, while far from fixed, is finally showing signs, so in that vein, now might not be a good time to blow the thing up and start over.
I'm just dissapointed, because I don't know what I'm going to watch now.
The Wolves are tough to get a read on, and I don't get that excited about them, anyway. (Although Wally sure is having a helluva year)
The Wild are an average team, and I don't know if I'm enough of a hockey fan to watch an average team.
Gophers? Well, okay they beat South Dakota State (I thought they'd lose) but I'm not impressed with them either.
Go Augie, I guess.
* I thought a little more about the Twins lineup next year, and cameup with a couple that I like (though I stress these are my ideas, not something I actually expec to see)

Castillo
Mauer
Stewart
White
Morneau
Hunter
Cuddyer
Batista
Bartlett
I like this one, because while Stewart's OBP and steals have been in decline, his skill with runners in scoring position isn't. As bad a year as he had last year, he was still the one guy who appeared to have a clue about how to get a hit in a tough spot. Putting him in the 3-hole not only lessens the effect of his faults, it magnifies his strenghts. Castillo and Mauer are both OBP machines. Having them 1-2 seems almost like a no-brainer.
Or...
Castillo
Mauer
White
Morneau
Hunter
Cuddyer
Stewart
Batista
Bartlett
White is capable of hitting 3-hole, especially if Morneau emerges. And if Morneau does indeed step up, he has to be hitting 4th in my opinion.
Stewart would go from an average to below average leadoff man to an above average 7-hitter.

2006 - The Lineup

The Twins added Rondell White, and I'm pretty pumped. He might not be as big a name as Frank Thomas, Mike Piazza or Jim THome, but he's probably a better signing.
His only downside has been injuries, and the Twins plan to buffer that by making him a full-time DH. His contract is also heavily incentive laden, which protects them from having to pay him $8 million for 150 at-bats.
If he plays 140 games, White will likely hit in the .280-.300 range, with 25 homers and 100 RBIs.
Make no mistake, though, this is it. The Twins are done adding players. With the addition of Denny Reyes to fill the lefty role previously occupied by JC Romero, the Twins roster is pretty much set.
Assuming Batista doesn't totally bomb in spring training, I'm guessing the lineup will look something like this.
LF - Shannon Stewart
2B - Luis Castillo
C - Joe Mauer
DH - Rondell White
CF - Torii Hunter
1B - Justin Morneau
3B - Tony Batista
RF - Michael Cuddyer/Jason Kubel/Lew Ford
SS - Jason Bartlett
* A few comments: I'd put a microscope on Shannon Stewart. I think there's a 30% chance that he's DONE. He could bounce back, and if he does the Twins lineup can be very dangerous. But if he's hitting .270 on June 1st, I'd replace him with Kubel and let Cuddy stay in right (unless of course, Cuddyer is sucking, too.) Remember, Stewart no longer steals any bases, and is one of the 5 worst defensive OF's in the big leagues. He has to hit .300 (with about a .375 OBP) to be worth an everday spot.
And speaking of the OF, I don't care if Lew Ford bats .700 in spring training, I wouldn't let him start in RF. He's a perfect fourth outfielder - that's where he should stay.
I'd bat White 4th, but I'd have Morneau right behind him. Gardy will surely bat him behind Hunter, and maybe even behind Batista, because he doesn't know how to make a lineup. If Morneau finally comes around though, it'll be a moot point.
Speaking of Batista, he should be batting 8th, because no matter how many HR's he hits, he'll make a ton of outs. Even if Cuddyer struggles again, he'll still get on base much more, so he should be 7th.
Alot of people are ripping on Batista, most of it deserved, but if he hits 30 homers in the 8-hole, it won't matter to me that his OBP is only .280.
*Joe Mays signed with KC. I wouldn't expect him to have a big year, but I wouldn't be one bit surprised if he shut out the Twins three times next year.

Tony Batista

Is not a guy I'm too excited about.
Will he hit homeruns?
Yes.
Will he make so many outs in his other plate appearances to render most of those homeruns useless?
Very possibly.
The guy with the stupid batting stance hit 32 homers in 2004 with the Orioles, yet couldn't find a job in 2005.
He played in Japan.
Where he posted a very poor .293 OBP.
Defensively (he's a third basemen) he is average at best, harmful to a team's defense at worst.
I realize that when they lost out on Bill Mueller they didn't have a lot of options, but geez, they'd be better off going with Cuddyer again.
One Twins blogger called this the worst transaction in Twins history - I wont go that far. He also called Batista one of the five worst hitters in the league (his 32 homers notwithstanding). Again, I think too harsh.
I'm willing to give the guy a chance.
One thing I will say is that while adding a slap hitter like Tony Graffanino was probably, deep down, a wiser move, I still prefer this. Batista has and will hit homeruns. He at least makes pitchers pay for mistakes, and keeps them honest.
Graffanino and the like are fine players, but they still kind of seem like utility infielders. Even if they are good ones, I'm tired of utility infielders.
This guy has power. Alot will probably depend on where he bats in the order and if the Twins add Piazza (or bring back Jacque Jones again, for that matter).
If he can keep his glove on, hit 30 homers and by the grace of God get on base 30% of the time - well, it still wouldn't be that great of a move.
Let's just hope that we don't pair this guy with Rob Deer at DH.

Thome Sox

One of the big bats available in the market that the Twins showed interest in was Jim Thome.
The Twins were supposedly one of the teams with an inside track to sign him, yet Wednesday he was acquired by the White Sox for Aaron Rowand.
Here's why that's good news for Twins fans.
1 - Rowand, the Sox centerfielder, is a very good player, a great defender, and the Sox will miss him.
2 - Thome is a risk at his age and coming off an injury. The Twins might be better off with someone else.
3 - While it's very possible the Sox will have Thome DH and resign Paul Konerko, this does open up the possibility that the Sox are NOT going to resign Konerko, who is the No. 1 free-agent on the market thisyear. The Angels reportedly will make a big push for him.
If the Sox end up losing Konerko and Rowand, they'll be a far worse team than they were last year.

5-5?

If the Vikings win their Monday nighter at Lambeau, all of a sudden their season has a little promise.
Though I think the Bear's win over Carolina shows that, as much as I hate to admit it, their defense is good enough to make them a legit team. Even if the Vikes turn things around I can't see them winning more than 9 games, and 7 or 8 is more likely.
The Bears are probably going to win a minimum of 9, and maybe even 11.
Turns out the North isn't as terrible as everyone thought.
My prediction for Monday:
Vikings 17, Packers 16.
Brad Johnson completes 44 passes for 112 yards.

Hot, Hot Stove

Substantial reports about who the Twins may actually be targeting in the free-agent market have finally begun to surface.
Two names I assumed the Twins might and perhaps should show interest in - Brian Giles and Frank Thomas - are apparently not in their plans.
And yet, the list of names Terry Ryan is apparently pursuing is actually better than I expected.
The problem is the players in question are bigger names at this stage in their career than they are bats.
The last time the Twins were in the market, I laid out the candidates and the odds for who would join the team. I correctly, and unfortunately, predicted that they'd add Bret Boone.
We'll try it again.
*Mike Piazza
Age on opening day 2006: 37
Position: C/1B/DH
2005: .251-19-62
Odds he'll be a Twin: 5 to 1.
Piazza is still one of the biggest names in the game, as evidenced by the fact he still goes to the All-Star game every year.
However, after hitting 30 or more homers in 10 out of 11 seasons, he has put up LeCroy like numbers over the last three years.
Odd, since he'd basically be replacing LeCroy, but would cost a lot more.
Look at the similarities. Both hit around .260, hit about 20 homers per 400 at bats, and both stink in the field, whether at first or behind the plate.
To be fair, Piazza's defense behind the plate has never been as bad as reported. He's actually a good receiver with a poor throwing arm.
And it's worth noting that he has hit .313 as a DH in his career, which would be his primary role with the Twins. He also has a .346 career average against AL pitchers.
As similar as he was to LeCroy on paper last year, I'd still be in support of adding him.
What makes him a legit possibility is the fact that his agent said Piazza is interested in the Twins. Anytime the Twins start talking about free-agents, you have to pretty much assume they'd never even consider Minnesota until you hear otherwise.
*Nomar Garciaparra
Age on opening day: 32
Position: SS/3B?
2005:280-9-38
Odds he'll be a Twin: 50 to 1.
While his stock has certainly fallen due to injuries in the last couple years, I still think Nomar is too expensive for the Twins. Too bad, because at 32, you'd think that if he does get back to 100% he'd have some good years left.
While his last two years have been injury-plagued, Nomar hit .301-28-105 in '03, his last full season.
For his career his average season has been .320-29-112.
There's a chance he'd play third for the Twins, which he did at times for the Cubs, though if the Twins did sign Nomar, I'd prefer to see them play him at SS, move Cuddyer to second, and insert Bill Mueller at third. (Trust me, they are going to sign Bill Mueller.) Speaking of which..
*Bill Mueller
Age: 36
2005:.298
Position: 3b/2b
Odds he'll be a Twin: 2 to 1.
The Twins really want this guy, partly I think because they know they can get him.
He'll be a nice pickup, so long as he's not the only pickup.
*Mike Lowell
Age: 32
Position: 3b
Odds he'll be a Twin: 25 to 1.
Too much risk here, I think.
Last year, Lowell hit. 238-8-58 in 500 at bats, a horrible season.
In the five years prior, he averaged .277-26-94.
At just 32, it's tempting to think he just had an off year, and that is certainly a possibility.
But the steroid factor looms as well. They should go for more of a sure thing.
*Reggie Sanders
Age: 38
2005: .271-21-54
Odds he'll be a Twin: 20 to 1.
Even at 38, Sanders is a stud. The bidding again might get too high for the Twins here.
But with 5 straigh years of at least 20 homers, and a knack for coming up big in playoffs, he'd be a good pickup.
*Tony Graffanino
Age: 34
2005: .309-7-38
Positions: 2b/3b/ss
Odds he'll be a Twin: 10 to 1.
After a career as a utility player, Graffanino finally got a chance to play last year and responded with a fine year.
The Twins would be willing to give him a shot to play 2b every day, and if Nick Punto is their only other option, I'm all for it.
But remember, Denny Hocking had a couple great years as a part time player, and nobody made him any big offers. I'm thinkin Graffanino is only a good player when the expectations of him are low.
*Rondell White
Age: 34
2005: .313-12-53 in 97 games.
Positions: OF
Odds he'll be a Twin: 15 to 1.
With Jacque Jones about to leave via free-agency, the question the Twins have to ask themselves with any OF is, 'Will this guy be any better than Jacque?'
And the sad fact is that Jacque is as good as any OF on the market, so just bringin him back wouldn't be a bad move.
On the other hand, Jacque has had six years to make the move from good to great and he hasn't done it.
Rondell White isn't great, necessarily, but he is better than Jacque I think. And righthanded.
Had he stayed healthy he would've put up very big numbers last year, but that's always been his problem. He's never, ever stayed healthy.
The other question of course, is what do the Twins have to give up?
Piazza could be had as a free-agent, while most of the others would have to come in a trade.
It's going to be awhile till anything starts happening.
My prediction is that the Twins sign Piazza and Mueller, both free-agents.
Then they try to trade Kyle Lohse for whatever they can get.
If that turns out to be the case, I'd be satisfied.
It wouldn't make them favorites to beat out Cleveland (the chic pick to win it all in '06 as of now), but it does improve their offense quicker than just getting Morneau to take more batting practice.

Who's It Gonna Be?

When Al Newman left the Twins, it said a lot about the team. Namely that the lack of chemistry isn't limited to the players.
All year as fans and media called for the head of hitting coach Scott Ulger, the Twins defended him, insisted it wasn't his fault, he was trying really hard, etc.
But when Newman quit, a spot on the staff opened up, and now the news is out that the Twins offered the hitting coach job to Paul Molitor.
That would mean the team planned on reassigning Ulger to 3B coach, but Molitor refused to the job.
So now what?
I will say that I'm glad Molitor turned the job down. His one season as hitting coach for the Mariners was a total failure, and if you look around, other great hitters (Rod Carew, Eddie Murray) have also been failures as hitting coaches. Sometimes great players lack the patientce or ability to relate to the young, struggling, and/or average player.
I would still like to see the team offer the job to Brian Harper.
I have no idea what Harper is doing, if he has ever coached or if he has any interest in coaching.
I just think he'd be good at it.
Knowing the Twins, though, they'll probly just promote one of their minor league coaches.
But that isn't necessarily bad.
Rick Anderson was a no-name AAA pitching coach who the Twins could've easily spurned in favor of a bigger name.
Now Anderson is the American League's version of Leo Mazzone, and fans are pissed that he didn't replace Dick Such sooner.

Go A.J

I can't exactly say that I'm happy the White Sox are in the World Series, but
A) they deserve it
B) better them than the Red Sox or Yankees
C) I'm very happy for A.J. Pierzynski
AJ is a guy who's taken a lot of shit over the past couple years, mostly for being the kind of guy any manager worth his salt would kill to have on his team.
I could use all the bullshit cliched adjectives - gamer, scrappy, etc, etc, and they'd all apply, but they still miss the point.
Alot of guys run hard and slide hard and get dirty and are so called 'gamers'.
But almost all of them lack the attitude that AJ brings.
He's a guy you love to have on your side and hate to play against. He picks fights, talks shit, rips guys in the papers, and probly gets hammered after games. He kicks ass. There are many , many teams that lack spark in a variety of ways (I'm thinking of one in particular) and AJ has provided that for Chicago.
With the Twins embarassing themselves on the field and in the dugout this year, AJ would've been a welcome addition to their team.
The fact that Gardy had difficulties with this guy is just another reason I question Gardy as often as I do.
I also know a lot of Twins fans hate Ozzie Guillen, but I don't.
In fact, I knew when they hired him that he'd make them a winner.
Ozzie recognized that the Twins were onto something, convinced his GM to change the organizational philosophy to be closer to that of the Twins, and then turned around and beat them at their own game. Nice work.
The Twins are still in fine shape as an organization, but it should be apparent by now that neither the Sox or Indians were one-year wonders this year.
The AL Central will be very tough for the next half decade, and the Twins have to be proactive if theyr'e going to compete.

Koskie - We're Better Off

An ESPN.com insider report says that a Koskie for Morneau deal could happen.
This is the stupidest thing I've ever read.
It is also an example of bad journalism, (not so much by ESPN, because they simply swiped it off the Toronto Sun newspaper) but by the Toronto paper for not bothering to find out that Terry Ryan has ZERO interest in re-acquiring everyones favorite Candian 3B.
Koskie was let go by the Twins because he couldn't stay healthy, and this year for Toronto, he didn't stay healthy. The Jays have an up and coming 3B in Aaron Hill, and suddenly Koskie has gone from their big free-agent signing to an albatross contract that they're desperate to rid themselves of.
I'm sure the Jays would LOVE to get Morneau in exchange for the Twins taking Koskie and his contract, but that'd never happen, no matter how dissapointing Morneau was this year.
Koskie was a fan favorite, and fans clamored all year for the team to make an effort to get him back after Cuddyer fizzled out at third.
But Koskie, for all the money he makes, is a terrible risk for any small to mid market team. You simply have no guarantee youre going to get more than 300 at bats for all that money.
Even if the Twins could get him back for JC Romero or Kyle Lohse I doubt it would happen, because the Twins have to spend their money smarter than that.
As I've said before, I think there's a good chance that Bill Mueller is the Twins 3B next year, with Cuddyer moving to 2nd.
*P.S. - The Twins officially parted ways with Luis Rivas and Mike Ryan on Tuesday.
They also released Brent Abernathy, but expressed interest in bringing him back.
I like Abernathy, and Mike Ryan. Come to think of it, I used to really like Rivas, too.
But Luis' time was more than up, and Ryan is a 4th outfielder.
Hopefully, their release of Ryan is a sign that the team plans on making Lew Ford their 4th OF next year. If Lew was gonna be a starter they'd probly keep Ryan around as a potential backup.

Put Carl's money where your mouth is

Terry Ryan says he's going to address the Twins needs this off-season.
Gardy says so, too, though I think he's only saying it to put pressure on Terry.
"It's obvious this didn't work" they say, as though the Twins are coming off a 61-101 season, and as if they had no part of it. Well, check that, Ryan takes all the blame and Gardy takes next to none, though his in-game managerial prowess is widely regarded as terrible right now.
Not that they aren't right - it didnt' work.
Nick Punto as a starter didn't work.
Lew Ford as a DH didn't work.
Shannon Stewart as an everday LF didn't work.
Jacque Jones against lefties didn't work.
Then there's the other things:
Michael Cuddyer as a starter didn't work.
Justin Morneau as a clean-up hitter didn't work.
Joe Mays for 30 starts didn't work.
JC Romero as a dependable lefty didn't work.
That second list is forgivable.
But the first few, well, most people already knew that Nick Punto was a utility player, that Lew Ford wouldn't produce enough for a DH, that Shannon Stewart was both a liability and a candidate for fatigue playing in the OF, and that Jacque Jones can't hit lefties.
Those are things Gardy and T-Ry knew, and yet did nothing about.
If they had had any sort of Plan B, the Twins might still have made a legit run at the playoffs, even if the things on that second list still happened.
But back to the claims that these problems will be addressed.
My reaction when I heard that, was, well...bullshit.
They were also going to make a move at the deadline this year, remember?
Indications are that the payroll will actually go up next year, but they have to be careful, with several players becoming arbitration eligible in the near future.
The main key to next season will be Morneau. Will he rebound from a bad sophomore slump? And will he stop acting like a fag?
22 homers and 79 ribbies isn't bad, but I don't know if anyone has ever looked worse hitting 22 homers, and picking fights with Torii Hunter isn't a great idea either.
Hey Justin, want people to think you're a badass?
Try hitting 40 homers, dipshit.
There are very few free-agents available, in fact, Jacque Jones is one of the best out there, and we'll be losing him.
Mike Piazza is a possibility, but, like Bret Boone, he's a guy I would've liked to have four years ago.
I think there's a good chance the Twins sign Bill Mueller and move Cuddy to third.
That's a decent move, but it doesn't even put the lineup half-way to where it needs to be.

The Envelope Please

Wow, it's really been two weeks since I updated here.
I guess that's just how terrible things got.
Although, I should point out that 83-79 isn't too bad, and that seven years ago, Twins fans (what ones there were) would've killed for an 83 win season.
There's a bunch of things that need to be said about the 2005 season, and I'm gonna try to get to all of them in the next week or so.
Really.
But for now, as a tide-myself-over update, I'm going to make my picks for the Post-season and the awards. (Yes, I'm a sportswriter, no, I don't get a vote).
PS - If you really want to read good stufff about the Twins season, and get some much better and smarter analysis, check out the startribune.com coverage over the weekend.
Tremendous stuff - astute analysis, good commentary, humerous writing, and not afraid to take well deserved shots at Gardy and T-Ry.
On to the ceremony....
AL Playoffs
Red Sox at White Sox
The White Sox impressed the hell out of me by sweeping the Indians to close out the year in games that didn't mean anything to them but could've got Cleveland to the playoffs. In Cleveland no less.
But I still like the Red Sox.
If Schilling is game, and my guess is he will be, the Sox have too much pitching with Wakefield, Wells, and Clement.
The White Sox hottest pitcher has been Jose Contreras, and he's not a guy that scares teams in October.
And Boston has David Ortiz, who, as much as it pains me to say, is the single most dangerous hitter in the game.
BOSTON IN FOUR.
Yankees at Angels
The Yankees are written off every year as too old, too slow, and too complacent, and yet every year theyre in the playoffs.
Randy Johnson got hot at the right time, and their offense got its shit together after the All-Star break.
The Angels are a good squad, and they eliminated the Yankees back in '02.
But I think the Yanks get there revenge.
YANKS IN FIVE.
Red Sox at Yankees
I just realized this very moment how boring the AL playoff teams are. I actually kind of hope the White Sox make it, because this Yankees-Red Sox shit is getting way old.
To pick one, well, neither team is as good as they were last year, but the Yankees have a much better bullpen.
I look at David Ortiz and think there's no way Boston can lose.
Then I look at Mariano Rivera and think there's no way the Yanks can lose.
YANKS IN SEVEN.
NL Playoffs
San Diego at St. Louis
The Padres made the playoffs at 82-80, the worst ever, while the Cardinals went 100-62, the best record in baseball.
I'm sure the Padres will look at teams like the 87 Twins (85-77) as inspiration, but it ain't happenin.
CARDS IN THREE.
Houston at Atlanta
This should be a good series - I really like the 'Stros.
The Braves won their 14th straight division title. That is amazing. Really, really amazing.
The Braves have some awesome young players (the Twins should look to them as evidence that you CAN, in fact, develop young hitters at the big league level) but youth isn't necessarily a good thing in post-season.
Houston's closer, Brad Lidge, is one of the nastiest pitchers I've ever seen.
ASTROS IN SEVEN.
Astros at Cardinals
There's a better chance of the Cards pitchers shutting down the Stros than vice versa.
St. Louis has dominated the NL for two years running, and I don't expect that to be interrupted.
CARDS IN SIX.
World Series
Last year the Cards were a team that had the ability to play with the Red Sox, but with Boston having just pulled off the biggest sports miracle since the 1980 US hockey team, did anyone really think the Cards had a chance?
That was destiny, friends, and it was on the BoSox side.
This year, that won't be the case. The AL had a down year, as both the Sox and Yanks have their warts.
The Cards do, too, but they're a much more balanced club.
Last year they were embarrased. This year they get it done.
CARDS IN SIX.

AWARDS
AL MVP
1. Alex Rodriguez
2. David Ortiz
3. Travis Hafner
4. Mariano Rivera
5. Vlad Guerrero
Ortiz carried the Sox, but guess what, he's a DH. I'm sorry, but I would never vote for a DH. And I'm not biased either, because I myself am, as the years pass, becoming more and more of a DH for my own team.
A-Rod had comparable offensive numbers, and is a Gold Glove at the 3-sack. In fact, he's baseball's best player.
AL CY Young
1. Mariano Rivera
2. Johan Santana
3. Bartolo Colon
4. Cliff Lee
5. Joe Nathan
Santana was the best starter in the league, but of course won only 16 games. I'd still vote for him were it not for the fact that Rivera played such a huge role in saving the Yankees again.
Just to point out how stupid NY fans are-remember that they were all calling for him to retire in April when he had a bad week to open the season.
Fuck you Yankees fans, you're all retarded. You don't deserve Rivera.
AL Rookie
1. Tadahito Iguchi, ChW
2. Nick Swisher, Oak
3. Gustavo Chacin, Tor
As long as the rules consider Japanse imports as rookie's that's good enough for me, and Iguchi was a big reason the Sox were so much better this year.
In fact, he's the kind of player the twins need to go find, because there's slim pickins on the free-agent market.
AL MGR
1. Joe Torre
2. Ozzie Guillen
3. Eric Wedge
The Yanks looked pitiful in April and May, and all the NY columnists excitedly broke out those "Demise of an Empire" essays that they've been keeping in their desk drawers for years.
But something happened.
The Yanks made winners out of guys like Robinson Cano, Aaron Small, Ching Wang (or whatever), Bubba Crosby and Shawn Chacon.
Some say that Torre is overrated because he has a trillion dollar payroll to fix the teams problems, and that argument isn't without merit.
But Torre has found out how to manage this particular organization the right way, and quite frankly, George Steinbrenner doesn't deserve him.
COMEBACK OF THE YEAR
Jason Giambi - This guy is the argument for the 'steroids are overblown' crowd.
After nearly being sent to the minors, the guy blew up after the break. 30 homers and an OBP of nearly .450.
And think, any team willing to take his contract could've had him in April or May.
NL MVP
1. Barry Bo- oh sorry, force of habit.

1. Andruw Jones
2. Albert Pujols
3. Derek Lee
4. Miguel Cabrera
5. Jimmy Rollins
Jones is already the best OF in the NL, maybe all of baseball (sorry if i'm partial to a certain #48).
Now this year he goes off and hits 51 bombs. Easy pick.
NL Cy YOUNG
1. Chris Carpenter
2. Dontrelle Willis
3. Roger Clemens
4. Roy Oswalt
5. Chris Capuano
Carpenter vs. Willis is a toss-up. Since Carpenter's still playing and Willis isn't, he gets the nod.
NL ROY
1. Jeff Francouer, Atl
2. Clint Barmes, Col
3. Zach Duke, Pit
None of these three played the whole season, but they're all studs. I'll give the nod to the SI cover boy.
NL MGR
1. Phil Garner
2. Charlie Manuel
3. Ned Yost
All made great second half runs, but Garner gets the nod for getting Houston in.
NL COMEBACK
Pat Burrell
Returned to stud status after a down year.