2008: The Perfect Year

A few years ago while he was still writing for Sports Illustrated, Rick Reilly wrote a classic point after column titled the perfect day.

His day - which included things like breakfast in bed from Gabby Reece and the cancellation of track and field - sounded great. But I think he sold himself short. From here on out, I'm looking for the perfect year in 2008.

Mar. 1 - Tired of the Yankee bullshit and ready to devote himself to banging supermodels full-time, Derek Jeter retires.

Mar. 7 - Joe Buck comes down with a near-fatal mutated strand of strep throat. He survives but is rendered mute, and never broadcasts another game. Troy Aikman, upon hearing the news, spends the whole day giving fist-bumps to whoever he sees.

Mar. 16 - With a record of 20-10, and 10-8 in Big 10 play, the Minnesota Golden Gophers earn a spot in the NCAA tournament in their first year under Tubby Smith.

Mar. 31 - Torii Hunter homers twice, but the Twins beat the Angels 8-2 on opening day, behind seven strong innings from Scott Baker and homers from Joe Mauer, Delmon Young and Mike Lamb.

Mar. 31 - Johan Santana strikes out 10 in six innings in his Mets debut, but also allows four homers as the Marlins win 8-4. Santana's line in his first start: 6 IP, 7 H, 5 ER, 2 BB, 10 K

Apr. 7 - While filming his latest Oscar contender, "Tiger Boy", Adam Sandler is eaten by a Siberian tiger.

Apr. 8 - Major League Soccer folds.

Apr. 29 - Johan Santana allows another three homers in a 7-1 loss. He finishes the month 1-3 with a 6.84 ERA. Everyone says, 'Don't worry, Santana always starts crappy.'

May 12 - Tired of living a lie, Debbie Clemens admits that she took HGH for her SI swimsuit photo shoot. Roger continues his denials.

May 18 - With my wife and I in attendance at Coors Field, Justin Morneau homers four times in a 14-3 Twins win over the Rockies. I catch three of them.

June 5 - Phil Hughes allows 7 runs in 2/3 of an inning, falling to 1-5 on the year.

June 8 - The Cubs improve to 48-14 with their 7th straight win. Cubs fever is through the roof. They have a 15 game lead in the NL Central.

June 9 - The Cubs blow an 8-0 lead in the 9th inning, losing 9-8.

June 12 - Carlos Gomez steals three bases in a Twins win over Cleveland, giving him 23, the most in the majors.

June 18 - Roger Clemens' legal team releases more "evidence" that he didn't take steroids, but no one is listening anymore.

June 19 - Kevin Garnett's 33 points, 17 rebounds and 11 assists lead the Celtics to a 99-95 win over Phoenix in Game 7 of the NBA Finals.

June 25 - Brian Rolston's hat-trick leads the Minnesota Wild to a 5-1 win over Detroit in Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals, giving the Wild the sweep, and bring the cup to America's true hockeytown.

July 4 - Brett Favre blows off three fingers on his right hand while lighting an M-80, but says he will still return to quarterback the Packers.

July 13 - Manny Ramirez is found dead in his hotel room, having suffocated in his hair.

July 22 - Marnie Gellnar divorces her husband and marries Ron Coomer.

July 26 - The Cubs lose another 9th inning lead for their 11th loss in 12 games.

July 30 - Order of AL East standings: Tampa Bay, Baltimore, Toronto, Boston, New York.

August 3 - Johan Santana allows his 40th HR of the year in a 5-3 loss. He's on pace to break Bert Blyleven's record for HR allowed in a season, and sports a 5-11 record with a 5.02 ERA.

August 11 - Gary Sheffield strikes out eight times in a double-header, dropping his average to .179.

August 16 - The Bengals release WR Chad Johnson, and no other teams sign him.

August 22 - The Cubs lose their fifth in a row and fall out of first place for the first time all year.

August 27 - Justin Morneau hits his 39th HR.

Sept. 2 - Brett Favre wins the Packers starting QB job despite having only two fingers on his throwing hand.

Sept. 11 - The pennant races are heating up. Tampa leads the O's by three games in the AL East, the Twins lead the Royals by six in the Central, and the Rangers lead by four games in the West. In the NL, the Nationals are running away with the East, while the Pirates and Brewers are tied for first in the Central. In the West, uh, I don't care I guess.

Sept. 16 - John Mayer electrocutes himself while playing the Star Spangled Banner at an Astros game. I don't really care if he dies or not, just as long as he stops making music.

Sept. 23 - The Cubs lose for the 22nd time in 25 games. Lou Piniella is committed.

Sept. 28 - Brett Favre throws two touchdown passes, one for each finger, in a 14-9 win over the Bears.

Sept. 29 - David Ortiz finishes the season with a .214 average and 10 homers for the 72-90 Red Sox, who edge the Yankees for 4th place in the East. Johan Santana finishes 8-16 with a 5.06 ERA for the Mets. He surrenders 53 homers, breaking Bert Blyleven's record.

Oct. 2 - The Twins open the ALDS with a 5-1 win over Tampa behind a strong outing from 20-game winner Boof Bonser.

Oct. 6 - Isiah Thomas is arrested on charges of sexual harassment and embezzlement. He is immediately raped in prison.

Oct. 19 - Adrian Peterson rushes for 444 yards in a 34-6 win over the Packers.

Oct. 20 - After several months in purgatory, Adam Sandler is sent to hell.

Oct. 25 - The Twins sweep the Pirates in the World Series. Delmon Young is MVP.

Nov. 9 - Wagering my tax return on a Twins World Series win pays off handsomely for me, and I spend my winnings on a hottub, a 71-inch flatscreen TV, a Ford F250 and breast implants for my wife. She doesn't need 'em, but what the hell, the Twins don't win the Series every day, and I like to spoil my womens.

Nov. 18 - For Title IX reasons, soccer is made a female-only sport nationwide. "Now soccer can be played the way it was meant to be played - by chicks only," says President-elect Ron Jeremy.

Nov. 24 - Something bad happens to Terrell Owens. I don't care what.

Nov. 29 - Though there's a month left in the season, Brett Favre retires, and refuses to do any interviews. He goes home to focus on fishing and is never heard from again.

Dec. 25 - Twinstown secures a sponsorship deal with Budweiser for $500,000 a year.

I'm feeling good about my chances. I'd say at least 70% of this stuff will happen for sure.