Classic Post Redux - Feb. 14, 2006 - Wither Sammy Sosa?

Note: In light of Sammy Sosa's comeback attempt (he signed a minor league contract with Texas, and new manager Ron Washington says he plans on playing Sosa every day), I've decided to reprint my post from a year ago, when I weighed in on Sosa's imminent departure from the game.

Sammy Sosa is threatening to retire.
This is kind of like Hitler threatening to kill himself, or Blink 182 threatening to stop making albums.
And yes, that is Sammy Sosa in the picture at left.
Before he started, ya know....lifting weights.
I won't sit here and say I hate Sammy Sosa, because he never really did anything all that bad (other than that whole "weight-lifting" thing).
But he always bugged the hell out of me, and it pisses me off that he has more career homers than guys like Mickey Mantle, Frank Robinson and Harmon Killebrew.
The thing that always bugged me about Sosa is how stupid he clearly is. Nobody likes stupid people and Sosa is certainly that.
His ridiculous homerun 'hop', (which he also did every time he flied out to left field because he's a fuck-tard) was the most ridiculous thing I ever saw a pro athlete do, except for maybe that other ridiculous thing he'd do - you know, where he dumps a cup of water on his head (rather than in his mouth) and kisses his fingers and points and whatever else was part of that Gay Latin Handjive.
Only a total moron would do this kind of shit.
The guy played the game like a 6-year old, and I don't mean that as a compliment. Accordingly, his supposed "immense popularity" was strictly relegated to little-leaguers, great-grandmothers and retarded people. No one over the age of 12 actually enjoyed Sosa's tired and phony antics.
Sosa was also never popular with any teammate he ever had. In his mind he was the show, and everyone else in blue pinstripes was an extra.
When he was in his prime he was famous (infamous?) for controlling the boombox in the Cubs locker room and do you know what he listened to?
Whitney Houston and Celine Dion. I'm not making this shit up just to spite the fucker, it's true.
Whitney fucking Houston and Celine Goddamn Dion! In a Major League clubhouse.
If I have not yet convinced you that Sammy Sosa sucks, never read this blog again because I hate you.
Sosa has made over $125 million dollars in his career just from playing baseball. Who knows how much additional cash he has made from Pepsi commercials.
(Side note: This is why I hate Pepsi - they use assfaces like Sammy Sosa in their commercials and think it's cute and hip. It's actually gay. Pepsi and Sammy Sosa may be the most perfect match I've ever heard of.)
But with all that money, Sosa is apparently going to turn down a $500,000 contract from the Washington Nationals, because he's insulted by it. A million and he'll talk, according to reports.
He has 588 career homeruns - 12 more and he joins the Babe, Bonds, Hank and Willie in the 600 club.
Here's hoping he hangs it up.
Cuz he don't belong on any list with those guys.