I Rule

Something occurred to me the other day.

I rule. And you suck.

I rule because I drive a Ford Ranger, and you drive a shitty Honda Civic. There’s a big crack in the windshield and I’m not ever gonna fix it. Because I rule.

I rule because I drink Budweiser, and you drink Miller Lite, or Coors Light, or some other wimpy light beer. You suck.

I rule because I have better taste in music than you. You listen to Pearl Jam and Good Charlotte. I don’t.

I rule because I have two dogs that rule. You have cats. Cats suck.

I rule because I have a cooler girlfriend than you. My girlfriend drinks beer and watches baseball. Your girlfriend watches Prison Break and thinks Manny Fernandez is the President of Mexico. Your girlfriend sucks.

I rule because I have a kick-ass beard. You suck because you have highlights in your hair and wear jewelry.

I rule because I know that Sublime is terrible. You still listen to that horrible CD all the time because you suck.

I rule because I went to a college where people actually know how to party. You went to USD and think Cary’s is a decent bar. You suck.

I rule because I never watch TV because it’s stupid. You suck because you think Grey’s Anatomy is a good show and you know things about TomKat and Brangelina.

I rule because I know politics are a waste of time. You suck because you think watching The Daily Show and The Colbert Report makes you some kind of expert. You don’t know shit because you suck.

I rule because I thought The Big Lebowski was awesome the first time I saw it. You suck because you didn’t get it right away, but then you started telling everybody how it’s the greatest movie ever after you heard a bunch of other people who are smarter than you talking about how awesome it was.

I rule because when I want a shot, it’s straight Jag or Jack. You suck because you drink Scooby Snacks and Red Headed Sluts.

I rule because I never go to Bucks. You suck because you do.

I rule because I once bought Koren Robinson a beer. You suck because you once tried to buy Brad Childress a beer but he turned you down because he didn’t want to give the other guy at the bar a ‘competitive advantage’.

I rule because I’ve never been to England. You suck because you have.

I rule because I know all the words to Born to Run. You suck because you don’t even know what song I’m talking about.

I rule because when I have kids I’m gonna name them Chuck and Steve. You suck because you named your kids Dylan and Cameron.

I rule because I scored with 888 chicks my senior year in college. You didn’t. You spent the whole time hitting on that snotty bitch who spent the whole party nursing one beer and bitching about how cold it was and you never got in her pants even once. You suck.

I rule because I graduated high school with a 2.3 GPA and still make bank. You graduated 4.0 and make $8 an hour. You suck.

I rule because I bought Home Alone on DVD. Oh, you think that’s a kids movie and it’s gay that I bought it? F-you, it’s funny. You suck. Kevin McAllister rules almost as much as me.

I rule because I know that golf is for very old, very white people. You suck because you’re working on your handicap.

I rule because I listen to the Twins on the radio and put up with Dan Gladden’s crap. You watch the game on your fancy-pants HDTV but you’ve never even heard of Scott Stahoviak so you’re not even a fan so F-you. You suck.

I rule because I can bench like 220. You suck because you haven’t lifted since high school back when you thought you were gonna go D-1 even though you weren’t even good enough to play NAIA. You suck.

I rule because chicks hit on me. You suck because you hit on chicks.

I rule because one time I beat up Jimmy Fallon. You bought his comedy CD. Man, you suck.

I rule because I spend most of my time on the internet watching porn and downloading songs that aren’t by Sublime. You suck because you spend your time on the internet reading some asshole’s stupid blog.

I rule because I look kind of like Jack Black. You suck because you kind of look kind of like Fred Savage.

I rule. You suck.