I Rule

Something occurred to me the other day.

I rule. And you suck.

I rule because I drive a Ford Ranger, and you drive a shitty Honda Civic. There’s a big crack in the windshield and I’m not ever gonna fix it. Because I rule.

I rule because I drink Budweiser, and you drink Miller Lite, or Coors Light, or some other wimpy light beer. You suck.

I rule because I have better taste in music than you. You listen to Pearl Jam and Good Charlotte. I don’t.

I rule because I have two dogs that rule. You have cats. Cats suck.

I rule because I have a cooler girlfriend than you. My girlfriend drinks beer and watches baseball. Your girlfriend watches Prison Break and thinks Manny Fernandez is the President of Mexico. Your girlfriend sucks.

I rule because I have a kick-ass beard. You suck because you have highlights in your hair and wear jewelry.

I rule because I know that Sublime is terrible. You still listen to that horrible CD all the time because you suck.

I rule because I went to a college where people actually know how to party. You went to USD and think Cary’s is a decent bar. You suck.

I rule because I never watch TV because it’s stupid. You suck because you think Grey’s Anatomy is a good show and you know things about TomKat and Brangelina.

I rule because I know politics are a waste of time. You suck because you think watching The Daily Show and The Colbert Report makes you some kind of expert. You don’t know shit because you suck.

I rule because I thought The Big Lebowski was awesome the first time I saw it. You suck because you didn’t get it right away, but then you started telling everybody how it’s the greatest movie ever after you heard a bunch of other people who are smarter than you talking about how awesome it was.

I rule because when I want a shot, it’s straight Jag or Jack. You suck because you drink Scooby Snacks and Red Headed Sluts.

I rule because I never go to Bucks. You suck because you do.

I rule because I once bought Koren Robinson a beer. You suck because you once tried to buy Brad Childress a beer but he turned you down because he didn’t want to give the other guy at the bar a ‘competitive advantage’.

I rule because I’ve never been to England. You suck because you have.

I rule because I know all the words to Born to Run. You suck because you don’t even know what song I’m talking about.

I rule because when I have kids I’m gonna name them Chuck and Steve. You suck because you named your kids Dylan and Cameron.

I rule because I scored with 888 chicks my senior year in college. You didn’t. You spent the whole time hitting on that snotty bitch who spent the whole party nursing one beer and bitching about how cold it was and you never got in her pants even once. You suck.

I rule because I graduated high school with a 2.3 GPA and still make bank. You graduated 4.0 and make $8 an hour. You suck.

I rule because I bought Home Alone on DVD. Oh, you think that’s a kids movie and it’s gay that I bought it? F-you, it’s funny. You suck. Kevin McAllister rules almost as much as me.

I rule because I know that golf is for very old, very white people. You suck because you’re working on your handicap.

I rule because I listen to the Twins on the radio and put up with Dan Gladden’s crap. You watch the game on your fancy-pants HDTV but you’ve never even heard of Scott Stahoviak so you’re not even a fan so F-you. You suck.

I rule because I can bench like 220. You suck because you haven’t lifted since high school back when you thought you were gonna go D-1 even though you weren’t even good enough to play NAIA. You suck.

I rule because chicks hit on me. You suck because you hit on chicks.

I rule because one time I beat up Jimmy Fallon. You bought his comedy CD. Man, you suck.

I rule because I spend most of my time on the internet watching porn and downloading songs that aren’t by Sublime. You suck because you spend your time on the internet reading some asshole’s stupid blog.

I rule because I look kind of like Jack Black. You suck because you kind of look kind of like Fred Savage.

I rule. You suck.

$3.1 million for this guy? Really?

A couple posts ago, I mentioned that, after the Twins signed Sidney Ponson to a low-risk minor-league contract, they were also interested in signing Ramon Ortiz to a deal (as well as Bruce Chen).
I wrote that under the assumption that they would also come in under a similar low-risk deal. Under that scenario, bringing in Ortiz seemed like a reasonable idea. After all, Ortiz' 2006 numbers were bad, but he's had some success in the past.

Now he's guaranteed a spot in the Twins rotation, after the team signed him to a 1 year deal worth $3.1 million.
Again, $3.1 million isn't a ton of money these days, but it's too much for a small market team to give to a guy who last year led the NL in losses, gave up the second most runs and the ninth most hits. He was 11-16 with a 5.57 ERA in 191 innings. And remember, this is in the NL, where there is no DH (meaning pitchers essentially only face 8 hitters, and get a free out once every time through the lineup).

If you want to try to look on the bright side, there's this:
Ortiz pitched better in the AL.
From 2001 to 2004 with Anaheim, he put up these numbers.

'01: 13-11, 4.36
'02: 15-9, 3.77
'03: 16-13, 5.20
'04: 5-7, 4.43

Once again, the pressure is on pitching coach Rick Anderson to help this guy get it together.
He might make a decent 5th starter, but that's the same thing one might say about half the rotation (Ponson, Carlos Silva, Scott Baker, Matt Garza, Ortiz).

Santana, Boof and Silva were locks for the rotation, and now Ortiz is too since they're paying him $3.1 million.

That means there's only one spot open for Ponson, Baker, Garza, Glen Perkins, Kevin Slowey, JD Durbin - whoever else might be in the mix.

I'm not real happy about that. I think Garza has to open the season in the rotation, and Baker should be traded if he isn't. I'd also like to see Perkins, Slowey and Durbin given a fair shake.

It's just another example of the Twins making their young talent wait forever to get their shot while the team instead takes fliers on has-beens.

*There are reports that the Steelers have hired Mike Tomlin, the Vikings defensive coordinator, as head coach.

As if things weren't bad enough for the Vikings, now they're apparently losing the only competent person they had in a position of leadership. One Pittsburgh newspaper is conflicting the ESPN and SI reports of Tomlin's hire, saying that in-house candidate Russ Grimm is getting the job.

Let's hope so.

The Return of LeCroy, and the pains of arbitration

Yes, if you didn't hear, the Twins signed DH/1B/sort of C Matthew LeeeCroy to a minor-league contract.
He's no guarantee to make the team, but I like him better than Ken Harvey. He'd be a great guy to have in Triple-A if he doesn't make the squad.
LeCroy spent last year in Washington, but any Twins fan knows he had no business in the NL, where glovework is required. His catching outing that ended with Frank Robinson in tears was probably the final straw in his catching career.
But dude can still hit lefties. I hope he makes the squad.

*Arbitration figures have been exchanged, and one thing is official: Lew Ford is as dumb as he is crappy.
If I were in charge of the Twins, Ford would've been told the day after the season ended in Oakland to turn in his Twinkie pinstripes, but not only are the Twins intent on bringing him back, they've offered him $800,000.
Ford, whose batting average has gone from .329 to .299 to .264 to .226, asked for $1.3 million.
I realize $1.3 million isn't a huge amount of money in today's game, but when you're on a budget like the Twins are, with the prospect of having to pay Joe Mauer, Johan Santana, Justin Morneau, Jason Bartlett, Torii Hunter, Joe Nathan and many others, why would you pay even 800k for numbers you could get from your typical Northern Leaguer?
They should cut him loose. With Torii, Cuddy, Rondell White, Jason Tyner, Josh Raabe and sort of Jason Kubel, there is no need for Ford to remain employed by the Twins.

*As for the other guys, here's where the figures stand.
Joe Mauer has asked for 4.5 million, the Twins have offered 3.3
Morneau has asked for 5 million, the Twins have offered 4.
Cuddyer has asked for 4.25 million, the Twins are offering 3.
Nick Punto has asked for 2.1 million, the Twins are offering 1.6
Juan Rincon has asked for 2.4 million, the Twins are offering 1.6

The teams can continue to negotiate, but if they dont come to a deal, a 3-man panel of arbiters will rule, and their decision is binding. Recent history suggests the arbiters would side with the players (see Lohse, Kyle) except probably for Lew Ford. I don't think anyone would think he's worth 1.3 million.

Likely the Twins will avoid arbitration with Mauer and Morneau, and sign them to long-term deals. But not too long term, because the players want to be able to get another big pay-day down the road. A 4-year, $25 million or so deal is probably likely for those two.
My guess is they'll try to work out a deal for Cuddyer, too, but if they can't come to terms, they'll probably just accept the arbitration ruling.
I'm not sure if they view Rincon as a candidate for a long-term deal, or if they'll go to arbitration and just try to get another good year out of him.

With Punto, I'm pretty sure they're going straight to arbitration, and whatever they decide, they'll live with it. They don't want to lose Punto, but they're definitely not ready to sign him to a long-term deal. Because they, like the rest of us, remain unconvinced that Punto's 2006 season was for real.

Johan Gone?

Ever since Barry Zito signed a super-huge contract with the Giants for $18 million a year, Twins fans all over have already begun counting down the days until Johan Santana is wearing Yankee pinstripes (note the razor sharp photo-shop work in the photo.)
It's stupid.
I see the logic, with people correctly assuming that since Zito gets that much, and since Santana is much better than Zito, that Johan will cost $20 million a year, and therefore become too expensive and either leave via free-agency or be traded for prospects.
Here's the thing, though.
The Twins are a small-market team, yes, but they've actually never had difficulty holding onto players.
Players like Corey Koskie, Jacque Jones, Eric Milton, Chuck Knoblauch, Cristian Guzman, LaTroy Hawkins, Eddie Guardado, AJ Pierzynski, Matt Lawton and many others moved on, but it was because the Twins either had someone else ready to replace them or because they felt they could do better cheaper.

In recent years there have been only a handful of instances where the Twins faced the prospect of being unable to afford a franchise player, and they managed to step up and pay all of them.
Kirby Puckett was one of baseball's top players, and the Twins twice gave him mega-deals to keep him. They signed him to a 3 year-9 million deal that made him baseball's highest paid-player in 1991, then signed him to a 5 year-$30 million deal (also among the most expensive at the time) to keep him in Minny until his retirement.
Chuck Knoblauch appeared destined to leave via free-agency, until the Twins signed him to a 6 year-$30 million deal in 1996 (they ended up trading him to the Yanks anyway, for Milton, Guzman and Brian Buchanan).
In 2000 Brad Radke had a big pay-day coming up, and Twins fans moaned and wailed that we'd never be able to afford him. The Twins signed him to a 4 year, $36 million deal.
And after this past season, Torii Hunter had a $12 million option that had to be picked up to keep him here, and despite Hunter's obvious defensive decline, they did so.

So why would anyone think they won't do the same for Johan?
If they can give Torii $12 million they can certainly give Johan $20 million. The Twins payroll will never rival that of the Yankees, but it has gone up every year since 2001, and if the Twins are smart (and they are) they'll realize that committing a large portion of their payroll to Santana, Mauer, Morneau and Jason Bartlett is a sound decision. Santana is signed through 2008, and by 2009, the Twins payroll might be approaching $100 million just through natural inflation alone.
Plus, the new stadium will be ready in 2010, so the Twins might be able to 'borrow' some money against the funds that will start coming in that year.

The Twins fiscal situation means that many solid, second-tier players (the Koskie's, Pierzynski's and Milton's) will likely only spend one contract with the Twins.
But it doesn't mean the superstars will be unaffordable.

The Yankees, Red Sox, White Sox and other teams could and certainly will offer Johan more money than the Twins, but I'd bet the Twins will be able to make him an offer that's of fair market value.

He could end up in pinstripes by 2009, but the idea that his leaving Minnesota is a foregone conclusion is preposterous.

Ponson's In - Why not Rincon?

The Twins added depth to their starting rotation, or at least their candidates for the starting rotation, when they signed one-time 17-game winner Sidney Ponson on Wednesday.
Since going 17-12 with a 3.75 ERA for Baltimore in 2003, Ponson has made more headlines for weight problems and run-ins with Johnny Law. He likes to drink and then get into fights.
Still just 30, Ponson, who is the only player in ML history from Aruba, is no guarentee to make the team based on his struggles in recent years, and with the number of promising young arms the Twins possess.
Since that breakout season of '03, he has done this:

2004: 11-15, 5.30
2005: 7-11, 6.21
2006: 4-5, 6.25

Those are sub-Kyle Lohse numbers. Then again, Rick Anderson has proven to be a deft teacher, and Ponson is young enough that maybe Anderson could do something with him. And, since his last three years have been marred by off-field problems, maybe those stats are more an indication of where his head has been those three years than his arm.

I'd give Ponson a 50/50 shot of making the team.

What I'd like to see is the Twins consider Juan Rincon for the starting rotation.
I can see why they'd be hesitant, with the whole "don't fix what isn't broke" philosophy, but I really think Rincon could do it.
Carlos Silva had the same role as Rincon in Philly, and put up two fine seasons upon the Twins moving him into the rotation. Rincon has multiple pitches, and came up to the team as a starter.
He's thrown over 300 innings in nearly 300 appearances over the last four seasons, so I believe he has the durability.

The obvious question (and reason the Twins probably aren't considering this) is that their bullpen is the strength of the team, and they clearly don't want to mess with that.

If Rincon joins the rotation, then Pat Neshek and/or Jesse Crain become the top relievers, with Matt Guerrier and perhaps Scott Baker and JD Durbin in the mix.

But the Twins may have been able to find an affordable free-agent (the Indians just signed Keith Foulke) and that would've maybe made it a possibility.

With Rincon in, you'd have:
Santana
Boof
Silva
Rincon
Garza/Baker/Ponson/Durbin/Perkins

With Rincon in the pen you've got:
Santana
Boof
Silva
Garza
Baker/Ponson/Durbin/Perkins.

Either way, you're talking about a staff with some serious ifs.

The Twins are still reportedly interested in lefty Bruce Chen (0-7, 6.93 last year, but 13-10, 3.83 the year before that) and righty Ramon Ortiz (11-16, 5.57 last year, 79-76, 4.85 career).
If it's cheap, bring 'em on in. We need all the help we can get.