Holy Fucking Shit

Francisco Liriano is good.
Like, really good.
Good like, the Beatles, or the Sopranos, or steak and shrimp.
Last night he just about no-hit the Angels.
Since becoming a starter for the Twins he is 16-0 with a 0.03 ERA and 674 strikeouts in 99 innings.
Or something like that.
He's so good that Johan Santana might now be the Twins second best pitcher.
In case you didn't already know, the Twins got him, and Joe Nathan (who struck out the side in the 9th last night) and Boof Bonser for AJ Pierzynski.
In a related move, I traded Chris Solari six ounces of my own feces for a case of Budweiser, a Playstation 3 and Alanis Morrissette's phone number.
Joe Mauer, he's good too.
He's hitting like .360.
This team may not win the Central this year, but the future still looks promising.

The Good Old Days

My stint as a Twins fan has endured three stages.
Stage 1: 1986-1993. The Twins won two World Championships during this time, and also won 90+ games in '88 and '92. They were good, and everyone expected them to be good. Expectations were high, attendance at the Dome was through the roof - it was good to be a Twins fan.
Stage 2: 1994-2000. The Twins were terrible during this stretch, never really even threatening to contend. After the '93 team - a team expected to contend - failed, the Twins began a series of rebuilding projects that totally failed because the team built around players that never amounted to much. Attendance was poor, expectations got so low that the Twins became an afterthough throughout the Upper Midwest. Nobody cared.
Stage 3: 2001 - present. In 2001, the Twins found out that, for once, they had rebuilt around the correct players. The team came into its own, and after finishing in second place with an 85-win season, went on a three year run of division titles starting in 2002.
Interest in the team was rejuvenated, a new group of players became household names, and the success eventually led to the team getting a new stadium.
Tom Kelly was in charge from 1986-2001, then turned the team over to Ron Gardenhire.
Considering Gardy won division titles in each of his first three years, it seemed that the transition was a smooth one.
It is becoming apparent that that wasn't exactly the case. As the Twins continue to rely on more and more young players, Gardy's faults as a manager become more and more glaring.
As bad as the Twins were for all those years in the 90's you could always count on two things.
One - the Twins wouldn't beat themselves with mental mistakes or lazy play (they lost because they had far inferior talent).
And Two - the Twins would not get outmanaged, not as long as TK was in the dugout.
Nowadays, the Twins seem to get outskippered on an almost nightly basis.
I'm not saying TK was perfect, or that Gardy is worthless. At times TK's stubborn ways rubbed players the wrong way, which sometimes cost the team.
But the fallacy is that Gardy makes up for his lesser intellect by 'keeping the guys loose, etc'.
This is a load of shit.
Not only can Gardy not make a lineup, not only does he still rely on old-fashioned conventional wisdom (sacrifice bunts with .300 hitters, etc), not only does he ignore advanced statistical analysis (insisting on managing with his 'gut', rather than scouting reports or obvious statistical trends), but he also fails in the clubhouse stuff.
He has totally mismanaged the career of Kyle Lohse. He has cowtowed to veteran players (refusing to DH Shannon Stewart for fear of pissing him off, refusing to bench Jacque Jones against lefties) to make them 'more comfortable.' He has steadfastly continued to write the name of Juan Castro, statistically the worst everyday player in baseball, into his lineup.
He has been unable to make up his mind on players like Jason Barlett, Jason Kubel, Michael Cuddyer and Justin Morneau, which has stunted their development as players.
He has allowed the team to become undisciplined and careless, resulting in the kind of mistakes TK's teams prided themselves on never making.
Failing to advance runners, mistakes on the base paths, missed signs, failing to get bunts down, and an overall decline in team defense.
'Twins baseball' does not mean what it once did.
And maybe the worst of all, he keeps making an ass of himself, going out on the field and throwing a temper tantrum and getting tossed.
In 16 years, TK got tossed four times.
In 4 1/3 years, Gardy has been tossed 24 times. It might be entertaining for the fans, but it's not helping anything. It's childish. At the very most, getting tossed can 'rally the troops' once or twice a year. When it happens every other week, it's just stupid.
I'm sad that it took me until the past year or so to realize it, or at least completely convince myself of it, but the Twins success in recent years had a lot more to do with Tom Kelly. As the players he developed have gradually moved on, the team has become more and more mistake-prone, more undisciplined, and frankly, just plain worse.
It's tough to say these things because I like Gardy. A lot.
But sometimes poor leadership is overlooked when people are likable (see Tice, Mike).
The bottom line is that Gardy's mistakes are costing his team wins.
That didn't happen under TK, and it can't be allowed to happen.
So the real question, of course, is would TK come back?

Finally, some good news

In what will surely be remembered as a lost season of false promises and disappointment, the Twins finally got a bit of good news this weekend, when their decade-long quest for an outdoor stadium was approved by the Minnesota Legislature.
At left is a premature artists rendering (for more illustrations from different angles visit twinsbaseball.com).
At the earliest, the Twins will be playing in 2010.
I have to admit that this is a pretty special day for me, because when contraction talk was hot a few years ago, I worried on a daily basis that the Twins might leave for good.
Now we at least know they'll be here.
I have to admit to feeling a little guilty that the stadium kind of got forced onto Hennepin County residents without a vote, but on the other hand, stadium opponents are largely just special interest groups looking for someone (preferrably an old white man like Carl Pohlad or a big corporation like MLB) to rail against.
I'm not saying those aren't deserving targets, but this park will benefit a sagging metro area - regardless of what some of the phony politicos blather on about on their soapboxes.
Still there are questions.
Will the Twins really increase their payroll now, and how much?
Will the Twins remain one of the most affordable tickets in pro sports? (I'd guess no fucking way)
Parking? Concessions? How much more $$$ am I gonna spend here?
How many fans will travel from outside the metro area? i.e. - fans in Sioux Falls, Fargo, etc. who dont want to risk driving all the way to the Cities only to have the game rained or snowed out.
Will they find a way to fuck it up? This is the Twins after all. The pictures all look nice - are we really going to get a park that compares favorably with the Camden Yards and Pac Bells of the baseball world?
How many rain/snow outs will there be in April and May?
Will they ever add a roof down the road?
How will it affect the team? Playing on grass means a lesser reliance on speed, I suppose, and could increase the effectiveness of groundball pitchers.
Should they pull the fences in to ensure lots of homers or move them back and build around pitching? (I'd favor the latter, but I doubt that's what they'll do)
Will I be able to get tickets when they host the All-Star game?
As happy as I am about the ballpark, I'm guessing it means fewer trips to Twins games for me.
Just a hunch, but I think tickets, beer, hot dogs, parking and souvenirs are all going to be priced obscenely high. To maximize my money I'll probly wait for a few rainouts then buy tix for a double-header.
**Naming rights
Rumor has it that TCF Bank is negotiating for naming rights.
Let's hear it for TCF Stadium!
Other candidates, I suppose, would've been Dodge, Ford, Dairy Queen and Michelob Golden Draft - which is inexplicably the most popular beer in Minnesota.
I'd prefer something like Killebrew Park or TK Field, but those days are long gone.
**The Boof is on fire
Boof Bonser had a terrific major league debut Sunday, holding an excellent Brewers offense to one run in six innings while striking out eight. He was in line for the win but Jesse Crain and Juan Rincon blew it for him. By now, however I'm at the point where I'm paying more attention to things like Boof's start than I am to the actual standings, so it was an encouraging day.
The first three batters of the game went single, double, walk, and it looked like Boof might be in for a long day.
But after the next guy got a sac fly he didn't allow another run. Very impressive.
**Not dead yet
Kyle Lohse has apparently decided to make the most of his demotion rather than pout, and he won his first start in Rochester.
In a 7-inning game (it was part of a doubleheader) he went the distance, allowing one run on four hits.

Get to Know Em: Boof Bonser (and Matt Garza)

The newest Twins was born John Bonser; he acquired the nickname Boof from his grandmother as a kid.
It became the only name anyone ever called him by, so he legally changed it five years ago.
Boof is 24 years old, and was acquired from the Giants in the AJ trade.
To recap that deal, the Twins got Joe Nathan, Francisco Liriano and Boof from the Giants for AJ. And at the time, Boof was supposed to be the main piece of the trade.
He's big (6-4, 250), right-handed and throws hard.
In 2001, at A-ball, he went 16-4 with a 2.49 ERA and 178 Ks in 134 innings.
In 2002, at high A-ball, he went 8-6 with a 2.88 ERA and 139 Ks in 128 innings.
His first full year with the Twins, in 2004, he went 12-9 with a 4.37 ERA in Double-A before getting called up to Triple-A Rochester in time to make one start.
He went 7 innings, allowed one run on five hits and fanned seven to get the win.
He spent all of last year in Rochester, and went 11-9 with a 3.99 ERA. In 160 innings he had 168 Ks - the most strikeouts in all of Triple-A ball.
The Twins didn't give Boof much of a look this spring, so even though he's currently 3-2 with a 2.01 ERA in Triple-A, you have to wonder if the Twins think he's ready.
Then again, he can't be any worse than Lohse and Silva have been.
I wouldn't expect Boof to make a significant impact, especially this year.
I think he projects to be at best a 3rd or 4th starter.
Basically, I would expect him to have a career similar to that of Lohse, although he could be an excellent reliever one day.
But, unlike Lohse, he doesn't make 3.95 million a year.
**The really good news when it comes to Twins pitching prospects is Matt Garza.
He was the Twins No. 1 draft pick just last year, and he blew through A-ball already.
The 22-year old righty from Fresno State was just called up to Double-A New Britain, and in his first start, pitched a one-hitter with 13 Ks in 7 innings!
He might be in the rotation next year.

So long, Kyle

Well, we got more out of the trade than the Cubs did.
Lohse was acquired from the North-siders way back in 1999 for....anyone? Rick Aguilera, who bombed for the Cubs and soon retired.
Kyle Lohse made sure to be just good enough to create false hope for about five years before finally bombing himself.
The Twins sent him to AAA, one month before he would've been eligible to refuse such an assignment.
One can only imagine how completely steamed he is tonight.
And for that reason I'm pretty confident that he'll never wear a Twins uniform again.
He'll be traded now, the team has no real choice.
While that might come as good news to Twins fans, who've hated on the righthander with the hot wife for years, it's a painful reminder that the Twins should've dealt him this off-season. He was coming off a year in which you could've argued that he was one of the top 5 4th starters in baseball, posting a career-best 4.21 ERA.
With a live arm and still young, he probably would've brought something of fairly significant value in a trade.
Now, with a 8.92 ERA and a bad attitude, I wouldn't expect more than a mid-level prospect with a 50/50 shot of ever reaching the majors.
I'm glad Gardy is finally addressing the team's horribleness and holding players accountable, and I'm glad Boof Bonser is finally getting a shot after two years of dominating AAA.
But this is a move that just doesn't feel good.
The Twins were bad for a long time, but patience and astute general managing eventually led to five straight winning seasons, the only such streak in team history.
That streak is almost certain to end this year, but what's far more scary is the feeling that this is just the beginning.
It's slipping away.........

Hopefully he can make three starts a week

Anyone for a two-man rotation?
8.80, 7.57 and 8.33.
No that isn't a random sampling of beer prices at AL stadiums, it's the ERAs of Carlos Silva, Brad Radke and Kyle Lohse.
The same three guys who were a more than respectable 3.44, 4.04 and 4.21 last year.
Ron Gardenhire finally made a move, sending Silva to the bullpen in favor of phenom Francisco Liriano, but I hope fans don't view the 'Cisco Kid as the season's savior.
He's still young and inexperienced, and big league hitters will eventually make some adjustments against him. Plus he's still on a limited pitch count.
And even if he's lights out, that only gives the Twins two quality starters.
Maybe Matt Guerrier, who's proven himself in long-relief, should get a shot. Or Boof Bonser, who is 3-2 with a 2.01 ERA for Rochester after leading Triple-A in K's last year.
They couldn't do worse than the current bad three.
Considering they have a 5.51 team ERA (only that low because of the bullpen), it's amazing the Twins record is 17-21.
If last year's team had posted a 5.51 ERA, they wouldn't have won 50 games.
I still just can't believe the pitching has been so bad.
Which has also further exposed Gardy's faults as a manager. He gets outwitted almost every night. It's sad.

Gardy...you're an idiot

Twins scored 7 runs in the 1st inning against Mark Buerhle (I think the clock is supposed to be a reference to how fast he pitches) and he won the game.
That's bullshit.
At one point the Twins had runners on 1st and 2nd with nobody out, and Luis Castillo bunted into a triple play.
Question.
Why, in a 9-7 game with runners on would you bunt with your best hitter?
Castillo's hitting .357, and like .450 against lefties, and Gardy takes the bat out of his hands.
That's retarded.
So was leaving Carlos Silva in the game when he obviously had nothing.
So was not pinch-hitting Joe Mauer for Mike Redmond in the 9th.
How long is he going to wait to put F. Liriano in the rotation?
And hell, the way he pitched Sunday, maybe Matt Guerrier should get a shot, too.
Silva's ERA is now 9.20. More runs allowed than innings.
3 of the Twins 5 starters have an ERA over 7.75.
The rest of the team suddenly looks like a contending baseball club - so I don't think it's fair for Gardy to keep letting guys go out and get shelled.
But sadly, I've come to expect that Gardy will continue to stick by 'his' guys, no matter how bad they suck and no matter for how long.
*I also need to make mention that right about the time I started openly doubting whether Justin Morneau would ever pan out, he started hitting.
He's having much better at-bats, he's hanging in against lefties, and hitting the ball well to the opposite field. Just think, if Rondell White was hitting even .250 with 5 homers (which would've seemed like a failure back in March), how much of a difference that would make.
All a sudden, from Stewart, Castillo, Mauer, Hunter, Cuddyer, Morneau - the Twins 1-6 hitters aren't too bad.

Ugly Athlete No. 6 - Sam Cassell

They're back....the ugliest athletes in sports.
And when you're talking ugly athletes, one of the first names to enter the discussion is always Sam Cassell.
Maybe one of the most obnoxious players in the NBA (and to be fair, a talented point guard who has turned every team he ever played on into a winner) Cassell's appearance is so jarring at first glance that it warrants sympathy.
The skull, the eyes, the teeth, he actually resembles most artist renderings of alien life forms.
Sorry Sam, it's nothing personal. You're just really fucked-up looking.
Sam Cassell
Pro basketball player
1994-present
Ugliness: 10
Creepiness: 10
Identifying characterstic: Huge rear skull area, beady eyes that lie on opposite sides of his head, sharp fangs ideal for tearing the flesh of homosapien life forms.
Looks like: Cross between E.T. and Yoda.

Zimmer: 0-2, K

So I played for the Canaries on Sunday, and grounded out against Sioux City Explorers ace Tom Lipari.
I also struck out looking in the 9th when Abner Arroyo graciously offered to let me hit for him.
Getting to do it with my lifelong teammate and friend Phil made it an even more memorable experience.
The Canaries players were really funny, friendly guys, and manager Mike Pinto is, as I've said before, one of the nicest people you could ever meet.
It was a beatiful day, and standing in right field as they played the national anthem was kind of overwhelming.
I spent most of the game in the dugout sitting next to pitcher Tony Cogan, a former KC Royal. What a great dude. He could've easily told any of us to buzz off, but we chatted through the whole game, and he had some nice things to say about my swing, which was very cool.
Chad Hermansen said he wanted to see Mission Impossible 3. I told him that Tom Cruise is gay, and therefore he shouldn't go.
He said, yes, I know Tom Cruise is gay, but the movie still looks cool.
But once the game started Hermansen never said a word to anybody, and I think he went 0-4. But playing next to him in the OF was really something. The guy played like 5 years in the big leagues, was a former 1st rd draft pick and I have like 5 of his baseball cards. And I was playing right next to him. At one point he looked over at me, gave me the horns and said, 'Two down, Matt.'
Awesome.
A guy named Mike Schmidt got to walk and actually scored a run, and also made a catch in RF.
One of the guys there was a total retard, and he almost ruined the experience for all of us. He made two big errors in RF that cost the Canaries three runs, and Pinto was pissed. Like Phil said, If I was that guy, I wouldn't have been able to come back into the dugout.
Phil struck out looking but got a couple of big hacks.
Backup catcher David Hoffman (I think that's his name anyway) saw Phil take a big rip and miss and said, 'Geez that was a good hack.'
I was like, yeah, he hits bombs all the time for our amateur team, and he said, 'God it would be awesome if he hit a bomb.'
I said, "No shit."
The tryout wasn't much - I don't think they would've given any of us a second look even if we'd hit 10 straight pitches over the centerfield fence.
But they at least pretended to be interested, which was nice. Bart Zeller, the hitting coach, is 65 going on 21. He's in great shape and told jokes the whole time. He told me that I hit BP better than half his players (for the record, I had a much better round of BP than I usually do, but they don't have to know that).
Rich Hyde, the pitcher/pitching coach, was also a real nice guy, but I'll be surprised if he throws 20 innings this year. He didn't sound optimistic, and he spent the whole game icing his arm even though I never saw him throw a ball all day.
I know the whole thing was mostly a publicity stunt (and a failed one at that considering hardly anyone showed up), but it was so much fun for us, and it was especially cool that the players and coaches were so good-natured about the whole thing.
And by the way, it wasn't my idea to make such a big damn deal of it in the newspaper. Having that big spread in there is about as embarassing as Dan Christopherson giving me the Kirby Puckett introduction at the game.
Oh and by the way, Nick Punto sucks and I'm this close to giving up on the Twins this year.

Wild & Twins - A Case Study for the Future

As many of you well know, the Twins have a rather long history of playing the 'small-market' card.
You know, where they bitch about their ballpark and how they don't have any money, brag about how smart Terry Ryan is for putting together winning teams on a budget, etc, etc, etc, while ignoring the fact that their owner, Carl Pohlad, is one of the richest in baseball. He's also 417 years old - apparently none of his kids have ever had the balls to use the phrase 'You can't take it with you' in his presence.
Anyway, with the Twins as close to a new ballpark as they've been, I got to thinking.
Is the new park really going to change anything? Are the Twins going to become the new Yankees suddenly, or even the new White Sox?
What's to stop the Pohlad family from keeping the payroll right where it is and pocketing the extra revenue?
Would anyone be surprised if they took the attitude of, 'Hey Terry, you've been winning with a $50 million payroll, why don't you just keep doing that. We like this extra $200 million in yearly revenue. Dad needs to have his head cryogenically frozen so he can keep an eye on his cash.'
Don't think so? Trust the team to keep their word and spend money on free-agents?
Just look North to St. Paul.
The Minnesota Wild play their home games in the most amazing/beautiful hockey venue on Earth. They sell tickets and merchandise at ungodly prices, and fans eat it up. Can't get enough.
I myself paid almost $200 for a pair of seats that were halfway up the Arena, and I enjoyed the hell out of myself. I'll do it again next year.
You would think, using the Twins definition, that the Wild would qualify as a "large-market" team. Because let's face it, it has nothing to do with the size of the market, it has to do with the depth of the owners pockets and the owners willingness to reach into those pockets - which the owners themselves try to tie to a shiny, trillion dollar stadium that they are loathe to contribute to financially.
(What is it about rich people being so fucking cheap? I make barely 30K a year and blow money on beer and playstation games left and right while Worldcom CEO's refuse to pay for toilet paper and coffee filters. Ridiculous.)
And the Wild, with a seemingly endless supply of revenue flying in on a nightly basis, are $14 million under the salary cap. I'm sure the paying customers (who saw the team raise season ticket prices after another losing season despite extending the streak of consecutive sellouts to 228) are happy that their money is being spent so well.
Wild GM Doug Riseborough's answer when asked recently if the Wild would spend to the cap max next year was practically a no-comment (the upcoming offseason will be one of the biggest free-agency periods of recent memory), and the team has been non-commital about re-signing Marian Gaborik, who missed 17 games this year and still scored a team record 37 goals.
If the Wild are willing to be that cheap, why won't the Twins?
I'm certainly not saying that teams should spend irresponsibly just because they can afford to, but having the revenue from a new stadium that (in the Twins case) you forced onto the public without a referendum seemingly obligates you to make decisions based on winning first, and budget second. Doesn't it?
Gaborik has made it clear that he wants to get paid. If he asks for a few million more than he's worth, the Wild should pay him anyway, because they can. He's the superstar, and signing him would act as both a thank-you gesture to the fans and a sign of commitment to winning.
The Yankees overpayed for Johnny Damon and everyone knows it, but it was still a good move because the Yankees had to have a CF, and they can afford his giant contract.
Tying this back to the Twins....let's say in 2011, 32-year old Johan Santana is looking for a new deal.
Joe Mauer will be making big bucks by then, and hopefully Justin Morneau, Denard Span, Matt Moses, Justin Jones and Alex Romero will be as well.
At 32, Santana will be old-er, but certainly not old. The Metrodome Twins would probably let him walk.
But if the Twins are playing in 'Northland Ford Stadium' by then (you know they'll call it something gay like that), averaging 30,000 fans at $30 a pop, they would be able to afford a much larger payroll at that point.
Will they lock-up Santana, ensuring he retires as a Twin?
Or will they, like the Wild, look for every conceivable reason not to spend money?
I guess we'll see, but I know where I'd bet my money.

It's not time to bail, but it's really fucking close

First, the numbers.
33-1: Score of the Tigers series.
3-12: Twins road record.
0-9: Twins record against AL Central teams not from Kansas City.
.365: Twins team slugging % - last in the majors.
6.28: Twins team ERA - last in the majors.
4.0: Twins runs per game - last year they were at 4.2.
9-15: Twins record.

9-15 in itself isn't a total disaster, although it is bad. But when you're 9-15 and coming off one of the most embrassing 3-game series' in recent baseball history...well, things can't get much worse.
The fact that the Twins offense has so far been worse than last year's is surprising but certainly not shocking. Shannon Stewart, Luis Castillo and Joe Mauer have been great at the top - but Torii Hunter, Rondell White and Justin Morneau have been worse than even the most vengeful White Sox fan could ever have hoped for.
Juan Castro's magic lasted a week, and Tony Batista hasn't provided enough power to compensate for his shortcomings.
But of course none of it has mattered. The Twins pitching staff, considered by many to be the best in the league and by all to be at least one of the best, has in fact been the worst.
Worse than the KC Royals. That's right - the KC Royals, whose rotation consists of Scott Elarton, Joe Mays, Mark Redman, Runelvys Hernandez and somebody else - has been better.
It's been utterly shocking, and no one saw it coming.
This is the same team that went 5-1 against the A's and Yankees, two of the best clubs in baseball. They can't be this bad....can they?
I don't regret for one minute picking this team to win the Central, because if every player on the team had simply repeated his performance from last year the Twins would add at least a few wins to their total of 83 by way of adding White and Castillo and subtracting Joe Mays.
And while I suppose it's still possible that guys like White and Hunter will start hitting and it's actually probably likely that the pitching will at least get somewhat straightened out - I'm more worried about what could happen while we all wait for that to happen.
How long before these guys start trying to kill each other?
What will happen to Justin Morneau's fragile psyche? Could he be lost forever?
Will Joe Mauer or Johan Santana become disenchanted with the franchise?
I'm not totally ready to give up on this season but it won't take too much more of this, and if we get to that point you've got to blow the whole thing up and blow it up good.
That means trading Hunter, Stewart, Radke, Lohse, Ford and maybe even Castillo, and giving White, Nick Punto, Ruben Sierra, Matt Guerrier and Batista their outright release.
From there, you take guys like Morneau, Michael Cuddyer, Jason Kubel and Jason Bartlett and stick them in the lineup and play them every single goddam day for the next two seasons to find out once and for all if they can play or not.
You also call up guys like Boof Bonser, Pat Neshek, Denard Span, Alex Romero, Matt Moses, etc, and see what they've got.
Oh, and you fire Ron Gardenhire.
I'm not saying this is all his fault, but I'm certainly not going to absolve him either.
I say give Gardy until the All-Star break to get the guys going.
If he can, great, but if he can't, I think it would be best to enter into a rebuilding project with a new regime.
The current one would have already failed too many of the players you'd be building around.
More than anything, I'm just really sad.
The Twins are my life in the summer, and its painful to see them not even compete. And I don't mean not compete for the playoffs I mean not even compete on a day to day basis.
I guess I should look on the bright side. It may suck to be a Twins fan right now, but hey, it's better than being a Twins player.