Ugly Athlete No. 4 - Bobby Kielty

Seriously, what a D-bag.
Just look at him. The white Oscar Gamble.
He's like the guy in High School who wore a leisure suit to school one day because he thought he was so cool that everyone would think it's ironic.
But then everyone just thinks he's a fuckin jagoff.
When the Twins traded Kielty for Shannon Stewart, some people worried that the Twins had given up too much.
A certain retarded Twin Cities columnist even went as far as to suggest that the Twins may have traded the next Mickey Mantle (though all the two really have in common is that they're both white, switch-hitters and don't use batting gloves).
One thing I'm really tired of is fans latching onto certain players for that kind of shit.
"I really like Nick Punto because he slides head first" or
"I really like Dustan Mohr because he always dives for foul balls" or
"I really like Bobby Kielty because he doesn't wear batting gloves" or
"I really like Lew Ford because he's retarded just like me"
Hey, guess what? I really like Joe Mauer...because he's a fucking good baseball player!
Meanwhile the 'roided firecrotch has been a .230 hitter since the Twins traded him, while Stewart led them to two playoff appearances. I'd say it was a good trade.
So I hope Kielty's "I'm so ugly and my hair is so outrageous that I'm actually cool" bit is going over well in Oakland.
I don't miss it.
Bobby Kielty
Major League Baseball Player
2001 - present
Ugliness: 8
Creepiness: 8
Identifying Characteristic: There's a bon-fire on his head. Back zits (I've heard).
Looks like: Ronald McDonald on steroids.

Spring Training Primer

Pitchers and catchers are in camp, and the Twins will begin exhibition games in earnest within a couple weeks.
Just seeing a couple pictures of the red and blue uniforms under a bright sunshine with green grass in the background is enough to get me back in Twins mode.
It's been a pretty eventful off-season for the Twins, at least according to their standards.
Remember this is a team whose most significant off-season addition in 2001 was Tom Prince (and they ended a streak of 8 straight losing seasons that year).
Rondell White, Luis Castillo, Tony Batista and a few other minor additions will be in camp, and they'll be the key to the Twins contending this year.
Many are writing the Twins off, which is odd, considering that they actually were in contention most of last year. It's not like they're coming off a 70-92 season; they were 83-79.
Their offensive additions could be called modest, but modest is probably all they needed. The pitching staff is back, and with the subtraction of Joe Mays and JC Romero, it could actually be even better.
But that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of burning questions as camp kicks off.
Who will be the 5th starter?
I'd be shocked if it isn't Scott Baker. All the numbers suggest he's ready.
In 10 games last year, Baker was 3-3 with a 3.35 ERA. 54 innings, 48 hits, 32 K's, 14 walks.
The last rookie to put up those kind of numbers in a late season callup was Scott Erickson, who went 8-4 with a 2.87 ERA late in 1990. You may remember that he followed that up by going 20-8 in his first full season the following year.
Francisco Liriano is still the No. 1 prospect in the organization, but I don't think they want to throw him in the ro just yet.
Liriano, who had 33 K's and just 7 walks in 24 innings during his call-up (albeit with a 5.70 ERA) will hopefully still make the team. I'd use him as a power lefty out of the pen, and if he succeeds, much like Johan Santana did in the same role, Kyle Lohse can be traded, and Liriano can move up.
Who will be the right-fielder?
This one is hard to call, but I'm putting my money on Michael Cuddyer.
Twins fans certainly have a bad taste in their mouths regarding Cuddy's 2005 season, though he finished strong enough to be reasonably optimistic.
After a brutal start that cost him a starting job, Cuddy finished at .263/.330/.422 with 12 homers and 25 doubles.
It would seem like he's running out of chances, but he's still only 27, and has the minor league credentials to suggest he's capable of producing.
Jason Kubel is the wild-card here, as he'd likely be handed the job if he weren't recovering from a major knee injury.
I wouldn't mind seeing a platoon situation between the two, but we all know how Gardy feels about that.
I wouldn't even let Lew Ford compete for the job. I don't see any reason to think his 2004 season (.299/.381/.446) was anything more than a fluke.
Last year he hit like a 4th OF (.377 SLG), and I believe that's what he is. Good defender at all three spots, good speed, makes decent contact - he's a backup.
My guess is Cuddyer gets around 450 at-bats, Kubel spends most of the year in AAA, and Ford gets 300 or so ABs spelling Shannon Stewart, Torii Hunter, Rondell White and Cuddyer.
If Cuddy can post something along the lines of .270 with 20 homers, everyone would be pleased.
Will Tony Batista be horrible?
There's a lot to suggest he will. Scouting reports out of Japan said he was fat and lethargic, and remember, the guy struggles to reach base 30% of the time anyway.
But as important as those kinds of numbers are, this game isn't played by robots. And Batista's presence at the bottom of the order could have a positive effect on the lineup as a whole. Walks and singles don't score runs by themselves. A big bopper isn't a bad thing.
If he hits 25 homers with a .280 OBP, that probably isn't helping a whole lot. But if he hits 30 or 40 homers, which would have his SLG% near .500, then I'll be happy. But that's a longshot.
But ya never know. Sometimes shot-in-the-dark free-agents work out. Maybe the Twins will get lucky.
Is Shannon Stewart finished?
Stewart didn't receive nearly enough criticism for how bad he was last year (.274/.323/.388).
He was slow, chased bad pitches, and was terrible in the OF.
He needs to get back to .300/.370/.450 if he's going to be the leadoff man.
Lew Ford failed as DH last year, but his numbers would've been more acceptable in LF, especially since Ford is far superior defensively.
Meaning if Stewart is hitting .260 on May 20th, you've gotta pull him. Between Ford, Kubel, and risking Rondell White's health by putting him in left, there are too many options to put up with another crappy season from Stewart.
How big an impact will Rondell White and Luis Castillo have?
Big enough.
Castillo immediately becomes the Twins best infielder - offensively and defensively.
It'll be interesting to see how much the Twins try to run him (his steals have gone down each of the last few years) but he'll get on base. A lot.
If White stays healthy, which will likely depend a lot on him staying away from the outfield, he could have an impact similar to what Chili Davis did in 1991.
If he gets 500 ABs, White will hit around .300 with 25 homers.
Will Torii Hunter or Brad Radke get traded before the season ends?
I doubt it.
Yes, Torii has a big raise ready to kick in next year, but he's the face of the franchise, and still an at times electrifying player. He may be traded after the season, but I'd be shocked to see him go midseason. (If the Twins are 10 games under .500 at the deadline, however, that's a different story)
Radke had said previously he'd retire after this year, but now he's hinting he'd like to keep playing.
I doubt the Twins would be interested in bringing him back at $10M a year, but if Brad was willing to sign, say, a 2 yr $8M type deal, that might be reasonable.
Again, I think you'll only see him go if the Twins are out of contention.
Kyle Lohse on the other hand, will likely go. Especially if Liriano is doing well.
Will Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau take a step up?
I think so.
With Mauer I don't believe there's any doubt.
His numbers last year seemed modestly impressive, but a closer look suggests he's ready to break out.
He hit .294/.372/.411, and struck out only 61 times in 489 ABs. He stole 13 bases in 14 attempts.
As he gets more comfortable, the on-base and slugging numbers are only going to go up.
At worst, I would expect Mauer to hit .310-15 homers-100 RBIs with a .400+OBP.
If he really breaks out, .330-25 homers isn't out of the question.
As for Morneau, I just think he's too skilled too end up a flop.
Morneau might be the single biggest key to the Twins success this year, and he's had a healthier off-season, a new hitting coach inserted, and will have better hitters in front of and behind him.
.260 with 30 homers is a reasoable expectation.
The other teams in the Central, even the White Sox, have questions of their own. I'll get to those another time.

Ugly Athlete No. 3 - Dirk Nowitzki

I don't know who the kid is (looks like a guy I used to work with at B-dubs) but the drunk fool next to him is NBA All-Star Dirk Nowitzki of the Dallas Mavericks, who, as you can see, is one ugly motherfucker.
I don't know why, but if you are white, and over 6-feet-9 inches tall, you are about 99% certain to be ugly as shit. If you're European, it's like 100%.
Dirk often shaves his head and face, at which point he's even uglier.
I think someone probably told him at some point to grow his hair and goatee long to try and hide his ugliness. It's a ploy Mike Miller is also using these days.
That picture is so horrible that if I was that kid I'd throw it away. I know it's cool to have a picture of yourself with a drunk NBA star trying to give the finger, but seriously, that shit's just hard to look at.
Dirk Nowitzki
NBA Basketball Player 1999 - present
Ugliness: 10
Creepiness: 5
Identifying Characteristic: An all-around horribleness. He's German.
Looks like: Hard to tell in the above picture, but kind of like Skeletor of He-Man fame. Especially when he shaves his shit.

Daunte on the Block

The Star Tribune reports the Vikings are going to give whiney-boy his wish.
Daunte is on the block.
Apparently he asked Wilf for a $10 million raise, which Wilf 'angrily' refused.
Of course what Zygi is missing is that Daunte knows he doesn't deserve a raise - that's why he's asking for one. To force the Vikings to trade him.
The story says the Vikings are asking for - get this - a 2nd round draft pick. Wow.
That is what you call falling from grace.
Another more encouraging scenario has the Vikes sending Daunte to Baltimore for Jamal Lewis.
Now Lewis' best days are certainly behind him, but I'd be more excited about landing him than a 2, considering recent Vikings second round picks include guys like Raonall Smith, EJ Henderson and Marcus Johnson.

Ugly Athlete No. 2 - Monica Seles

I used to watch a lot of tennis when I was a kid, and I had a special dislike for Monica Seles; for three reasons.
1 - She was, for a time, unbeatable.
2 - She squaled like a farm animal whenever she hit a forehand.
3 - She wasn't hot.
I feel kinda bad picking on someone who was once stabbed in the back by a psychotic fan (epsecially since her career was never the same after the incident), but Seles was, and probably still is, a big time dog.
Most men would probably be semi-turned on by listening to a woman howl like she's getting plowed by a jackhammer, yet Ms. Seles managed to make it pretty gross.
Makes you wonder what kind of noises she makes when she's having sex. Assuming she has sex.
With men.
Monica Seles
Professional Tennis Player 1989-2002
Ugliness: 7
Creepiness: 5
Identifying Characteristic: Hair that looks like it was pulled off of a broom, perma-scowl face, mannish body, walrus-like grunts during play. Has never heard of makeup.
Looks like: A man.

Ugly Athlete No. 1 - Willie McGee

As a cheap way to keep finding things to write about in this space, I've decided to launch what I hope will be an entertaining project: Identifying the ugliest athletes in America.
Past or present, male or female, professional or college, anyone is eligible.
I'm not going to rank them in any particular order, and I'll post a new ugly athlete pretty much whenever I don't have anything better to touch on - no particular schedule.
Certainly there will be many on the list that are easy targets, obvious choices, while others may reflect a personal touch.
Because ugliness, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.
You know how sometimes you're attracted to a chick and you don't really know why?
She might have a big nose or funny looking teeth or a weird scar on her face, but something about her just... 'works' for some reason.
Same deal for picking ugly athletes.
Might be a normal enough looking guy, but something about him (or her) just gives you the creeps.
So there may be some less obvious choices.
So without further ado.....
Leading off the list is former outfielder Willie McGee, who had a fine career, mostly with the St. Louis Cardinals. The 1985 NL MVP, McGee is also the only player to win a batting title in one league, while finishing the season playing in the other (1990, when the Cards sent him to the A's at the waiver deadline).
Willie McGee
Major League Baseball Player 1982-1999.
Ugliness: 9
Creepiness: 6
Identifying Characteristic: Doesn't really have a chin, or any lower face to speak of. His bottom lip seems to connect to his neck. Kind of like a chicken.
Looks like: Kind of like a chicken, also like a crack-addict. Chappelle's show could have fun with this guy.

Wither Sammy Sosa?

Sammy Sosa is threatening to retire.
This is kind of like Hitler threatening to kill himself, or Blink 182 threatening to stop making albums.
And yes, that is Sammy Sosa in the picture at left.
Before he started, ya know....lifting weights.
I won't sit here and say I hate Sammy Sosa, because he never really did anything all that bad (other than that whole "weight-lifting" thing).
But he always bugged the hell out of me, and it pisses me off that he has more career homers than guys like Mickey Mantle, Frank Robinson and Harmon Killebrew.
The thing that always bugged me about Sosa is how stupid he clearly is. Nobody likes stupid people and Sosa is certainly that.
His ridiculous homerun 'hop', (which he also did every time he flied out to left field because he's a fuck-tard) was the most ridiculous thing I ever saw a pro athlete do, except for maybe that other ridiculous thing he'd do - you know, where he dumps a cup of water on his head (rather than in his mouth) and kisses his fingers and points and whatever else was part of that Gay Latin Handjive.
Only a total moron would do this kind of shit.
The guy played the game like a 6-year old, and I don't mean that as a compliment. Accordingly, his supposed "immense popularity" was strictly relegated to little-leaguers, great-grandmothers and retarded people. No one over the age of 12 actually enjoyed Sosa's tired and phony antics.
Sosa was also never popular with any teammate he ever had. In his mind he was the show, and everyone else in blue pinstripes was an extra.
When he was in his prime he was famous (infamous?) for controlling the boombox in the Cubs locker room and do you know what he listened to?
Whitney Houston and Celine Dion. I'm not making this shit up just to spite the fucker, it's true.
Whitney fucking Houston and Celine Goddamn Dion! In a Major League clubhouse.
If I have not yet convinced you that Sammy Sosa sucks, never read this blog again because I hate you.
Sosa has made over $125 million dollars in his career just from playing baseball. Who knows how much additional cash he has made from Pepsi commercials.
(Side note: This is why I hate Pepsi - they use assfaces like Sammy Sosa in their commercials and think it's cute and hip. It's actually gay. Pepsi and Sammy Sosa may be the most perfect match I've ever heard of.)
But with all that money, Sosa is apparently going to turn down a $500,000 contract from the Washington Nationals, because he's insulted by it. A million and he'll talk, according to reports.
He has 588 career homeruns - 12 more and he joins the Babe, Bonds, Hank and Willie in the 600 club.
Here's hoping he hangs it up.
Cuz he don't belong on any list with those guys.

WBC - The Stupidest Thing......Ever

I first heard rumblings about something like this in a Peter Gammons column about six or seven years ago.
Gammons (of whom I am a huge fan) was yammering on about how the World Series isn't a "true" World Series - more like a North American Series.
Apparently he thought that since the teams reside only in the US and Canada, the players are all either American or Canadian, too.
Then Bud Selig started talking about.
And now this month we're gonna have it.
And I hate it.
Hate it, hate it, hate it.
No one in America gives a flying fuck about this stupid baseball tournament.
In Venezuela, the Dominican, Cuba, Puerto Rico, etc., it'll probly be bigger than the second coming of Jesus Christ.
I just think the Major League Baseball regular season is good enough, and I don't want it, or the health of my favorite players, jeopardized by a meaningless tournament.
Plus, I think it's just promoting segregation.
Why do we have to keep labeling the players we root for as Venezuelan, Dominican or Puerto Rican? I don't care where they're from. Why are we always trying to seperate them?
I remember last year at the Home Run derby they had all the players play for their country, and when you watched the derby you just had all the American guys on one side, keeping to themselves, and all the Latin guys on the other, speaking Spanish and doing the same. It made for an uncomfortable scene.
Plus the rules on this thing have been stretched to absurdity, as anyone who's last name ends in a vowel - Piazza, Delucci, etc., are playing for Italy, Mark Mulder is on the roster for the Netherlands, etc., even though none of these guys have ever set foot in Europe.
Hey, how about a "Skin-tone classic"?
Just think, Torii Hunter and the Bruthas vs Justin Morneau and the Crackas!
Oooh, the drama!
Or a World Faith Classic, where Shawn Green leads the Jews against Roberto Alomar and the Catholics!
This is stupid, and the only Americans who will care are the same sunshine sports fans who watch the Olympics and the media drones who are forced to cover the damn thing.
The good news is it already has the makings of a failure, as big name players are taking their names off the list in droves (Joe Mauer just withdrew - thank God) and tickets are selling like Herpes brand lip-stick.
The World Series is a World Series because Major League Baseball clubs are made up of the best players in the World. Otherwise, Manny Ramirez, Johan Santana, Ichiro Suzuki, Vladimir Guerrero, David Ortiz, etc. would be playing in the leagues of their respective countries instead of coming here.
You know what I hope happens?
I hope Alex Rodrigues tears his ACL in the first game, and George Steinbrenner sues Bud Selig's ass off.
Then maybe this ridiculous ploy to cheat poverty-stricken Latin fans out of money they don't have, will come to an end.
* Matthew LeCroy signed a one-year deal with Washington.
I'm happy for him. Glad he didn't have to go play in Japan or something.
The guy's slow and a liability with the glove, but he can mash lefties.

Sierra, Lil' Nicky, and McHale's Navy

It's not often you can say about a guy, "Boy, I wish we'd had him 20 years ago", but in the case of Ruben Sierra, you can.
When Joe Mauer was in pre-school, Ruben Sierra was emerging as one of the game's most dangerous hitters.
Now Mauer will occasionally be batting in front of him.
I don't think it's a bad move necessarily, in that Sierra is a veteran, a switch-hitter, and he still has power.
He's a better option off the bench than Terry Tiffee or Glenn Williams.
But on the same day Sierra signed with the Twins, Russell Branyan signed with the Devil Rays.
The Devil Rays!
I'm not saying Branyan is the answer to all our problems, but he's 29 (Sierra is 40) and had a .378 OBP and .490 SLG last year.
Sierra posted a sub-.300 OBP for the second straight year, and hit just four homers in 170 at-bats.
To be honest, I think he'll struggle to make the team. On the other hand, Gardy seems to loathe rookies after what happened last year, so I think Sierra and Tony Batista, who both signed minor league contracts, are virtual locks to make the team.
If nothing else, putting Sierra in the Randy Bush-Midre Cummings-Jose Offerman role might end up working out just fine.
*On a side note, last week the Twins re-upped with Nicky Punto.
Fuckin' hooray.
I don't think anybody epitomized the failure of last year's Twins more than this guy. They wanted soooo bad for him to be some kind of shortstop version of Lenny Dykstra, only one problem - he can't hit for shit.
You constantly hear about how he "hustles" and what a "gamer" he is.
Guess what? Nobody gives a shit. Sliding into first base may get the front of your jersey all dirty and make you look cool to chicks that don't know anything about sports, but it doesn't make you a good baseball player. In fact, it makes you stupid. Incredibly stupid if you're injury prone like Punto is.
Congratulations to Punto on being good at two things: getting hit by pitch, and getting dirty. Two things most fat little-leaguers also possess the ability to succeed at.
Last year this black-hole of a baseball player managed to eat up 394 at-bats, which is unforgivable.
In those 394 at-bats he batted .239, with 4 homers, 26 RBIs, and 18 doubles (a .301 OBP and .335 SLG). He struck out a lot, and walked a little.
Oh, but he's fast, you say.
How's 13 steals in 21 attempts then? Shitty. According to most of the math nerds, you're only helping your team by stealing bases if you're successful 70% of the time at the very, very least.
Lil' Nicky: 61.9 %.
But he's a good fielder, you say.
Well, he did actually post good defensive numbers last year, at both 2B and SS, but Luis Castillo and Juan Castro were both far better, and both, even the light-hitting Castro, were much better at the dish as well.
So where does the value lay with this guy? As a Denny Hocking-style utility player?
If Jason Bartlett is the starting SS then can't Castro fill that role?
Get rid of this clown. He sucks.
*Early returns on the Wolves-Celtics trade are pretty solid.
Marcus Banks should be the starting PG from here on out, and Mark Blount has already proven to be light-years better than Olowokandi. The knock on Blount is similar to the knock on Kandi - doesn't care - a stiff. And can't rebound.
He had 16 points, 10 boards and four blocks the other night, after having 18 points the prior game.
We're not even mentioning the main part of the deal, Ricky Davis for Wally, which will probably benefit both teams. Celtics needed a guy who can score with better than 40% accuracy, Wolves needed a more athletic swingman. Mission accomplished.
Justin Reed may not be anything special, but he at least gives the Wolves some more depth in the frontcourt.
It's still waaaayy early to judge, but so far it looks like McHale made his team, at the very least, a lot more athletic.